My Excuse

Man, I have just been so busy with my crazy social life. Let me just say I have infinitely times more friends now than I did before. Laugh math minions!

Unrelated, I started a vlog that is also sarcastic. But in a way that only makes sense when spoken. I hope. It’s a little more autobiographical than this. Maybe you appreciate that. Maybe you don’t exist.

Also unrelated, I had a thought the other day.

We humans believe that we have surpassed natural selection. That’s not true. We keep getting taller because we find tall people sexy. There is an obvious facet of this, that has some serious ramifications.

People who want to have sex more, have more sex.

It’s all so clear! But that means we as a population are selecting for sexual desire.

So each generation is collectively hornier than they one before.

No wonder your grandfather finds you disgusting.

Sincerely,

Science.

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No Post? Eh. Ok.

There will be no post this week. I have finals next week and am crunched for time. I hate disappointing everyone, so I’ve compiled a list of things to do while not reading my blog.

1. Learn to ride a velociraptor.

It’s an extensive list, I’ll admit, but I’m eager to hear about everyone’s experiences.

Sincerely,
Get the hint already.

P.S. One of the recommended tags for this post is “Hate Crimes”. Apparently this post has racist subtext. Please do not commit any hate crimes. Only commit love crimes. Thank you.

The World Is Out To Get Me

A post? On a Thursday night? What. Makes no sense. None. It seems that I am trying to augment my standard fare of lengthy with shorter more bloggy lies to fill the space in between. No clever header pictures for these, it’d ruin everything. Now for a story that is completely true.

I attempted to order coffee from the school’s coffee shop. Yes. Read that again. Look upon my shame. Not only did I have the gall to order coffee from a coffee shop, I asked for it hot. Understandably the barista gave me such a dirty look that I left tracks on my way out. It was well deserved. She patiently explained to me that, “something something can’t serve hot drinks something against policy something.” She mumbled and I was too embarrassed by my audacity to ask her to repeat. Also my fight or flight response had been activated and my brian was on lockdown. My atrocities committed, I hung my head and trudged off to the library.

When I got there I was compelled by the ghost of the first Ronald McDonald to share this story with my friend. Her quizzical look destroyed my self-esteem while communicating that my story was strange. She informed me that the coffee shop did indeed serve hot coffee, and to prove it, she went and got me hot coffee. I actually have hot coffee right now from the coffee shop. It’s the little things.

Reason #1 why the world is out to get me

Sincerely,

But I have such a friendly face!

List: Said No One, Ever

I’m fulfilling my irony quota by saying things that have never been said while pointing out they’ve never been said. It’s a shame they’ve all been said now. What a worthless list.

I do not support cancer victims.

I don’t like pain pills

Me and Kony are best friends!

Babies and shake-weights are basically the same

Meth is fine if you just do it once

That homeless man smells fantastic

I fill my briefcase with urine, every single morning!

I like getting up early!

Having herpes is fun!

Tuesday is my favorite day

Yes, I’d love to drive you to the airport

Arms? Who needs them?

Caffeine keeps me up late!

I have below average intelligence

Rock Paper Scissors is a game that makes sense

That tornado was cool, but it needs more sharks

My favorite animal is the daffodil

Gay marriage? I have no opinion!

I would love to spend the day with middle-school children!

The pedophile look is in

Too short; didn’t read

I wish this bus/train/plane would take longer to get here!

Clowns are great!

Wow, it was exactly what time I thought it was!

I really enjoyed that colonoscopy

You have an impressive collection of STDs/stamps

This room would be better without any windows

Ugh, going on a vacation right now would be so annoying

Man, I just hate being relaxed

This tastes like crap, in a good way

Bleeding is how I express myself

That John Mayer song gets me so pumped!

I like my salads without croutons

Learning to ride a Velociraptor is not one of my life goals

Sincerely,

Professional Velociraptor rider.

Thanksgiving

Whew. Delicious. What was that? Oh sorry, I could here over ALL THIS FOOD I’M CHEWING. Look at it. Look at it! For a college student this is amazing. Food. It’s so good. Keeps me alive if you know what I mean. ATP in my cells and all that.

Anyway last week I wrote about three different posts, but none of then were funny and I got busy. My bad. Should have one up by tomorrow, assuming something funny happens. Or interesting. Probably disgusting.

Sincerely,

The Author of this blog, a true gentleman.