The World Is Out To Get Me

A post? On a Thursday night? What. Makes no sense. None. It seems that I am trying to augment my standard fare of lengthy with shorter more bloggy lies to fill the space in between. No clever header pictures for these, it’d ruin everything. Now for a story that is completely true.

I attempted to order coffee from the school’s coffee shop. Yes. Read that again. Look upon my shame. Not only did I have the gall to order coffee from a coffee shop, I asked for it hot. Understandably the barista gave me such a dirty look that I left tracks on my way out. It was well deserved. She patiently explained to me that, “something something can’t serve hot drinks something against policy something.” She mumbled and I was too embarrassed by my audacity to ask her to repeat. Also my fight or flight response had been activated and my brian was on lockdown. My atrocities committed, I hung my head and trudged off to the library.

When I got there I was compelled by the ghost of the first Ronald McDonald to share this story with my friend. Her quizzical look destroyed my self-esteem while communicating that my story was strange. She informed me that the coffee shop did indeed serve hot coffee, and to prove it, she went and got me hot coffee. I actually have hot coffee right now from the coffee shop. It’s the little things.

Reason #1 why the world is out to get me

Sincerely,

But I have such a friendly face!

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Moving In

At the moment I am moving into my apartment.

Seriously, right this second.

I actually set down a box of crap, opened my computer and started typing.

Now my Dad is yelling at me, he’s helping me move you see.

His face is red.

I’m ignoring him, but that might not be a good strategy exactly.

Now he’s throwing things.

I needed that.

Sincerely,

Boom. Procrastinated.

Win By Drunk

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I must apologize for the lack of a post last week. It was my spring break and I was in no state for writing. The authorities require that I keep it vague, but lets just say that’s the last time I implant a priceless diamond behind my elbow. My shrapnel wounds will probably never heal.

Spring break is a staple of a college student‘s life. People look forward to it, strangely more than the 4 months off of school that comes so soon after. Spring Break is a time of great excitement , adventure, and sleeping on motel floors. Students love to defend their precious break by saying things like, “we need the break from classes”, “we’re tired”, “I’m tired of sobering up while sitting in class, what I really need is a week  of constant drinking.” No one is fooled. It’s clear that Spring Break is actually a contest to see how much damage we can do to our bodies in only one week.

The contest is illustrious, the prizes magnificent, and the stakes high. Success in the contest leads to lots of copulation, and failure results in life altering ridicule. Spring Break is the ultimate battle of manly fortitude, ballsyness, and douchebaggery. Mostly though, it’s how much crap can you possibly ingest in the shortest amount of time. There are various methods used by spring breakers to accomplish their goal, designed to attack every organ system.

Poor liver. Its always the first to go. That’s because beer is cheap enough to fill swimming pools with. So that’s what we do. This strategy is time-tested and effective. Did you know that drunk people aren’t good at swimming? Just ask those corpses floating in our beer pool. I guess it’s easy to confuse drinking and inhaling. A simple mistake that anyone might make.Inebriation itself leads to many of the next strategies on the list, making basically instant win juice.

The only thing nearly as easy to get as alcohol is pot. I guess you can also smoke cigarettes if you want, but that’s boring. Use these to decimate the lungs.  Cigars however, are a stupid choice. You will never win Spring Break by smoking a cigar. Because while they might make you look like a suave badass, they are simply far to healthy to be a valid winning strategy. It’s best to go for the cheapest tariest cigarette that you can find, and smoke three of those along with enough pot to make you so high that you can’t feel you feet. Heeheehee

Spring Break is and always has been full of sex. That’s because sex is a fantastic strategy for dominance, because genital damage is worth extra points. There are few more reliable ways to get and STD other than getting a tattoo done in prison. Or by just being in prison. The best thing is that STDs are stackable, and you can have herpes, syphilis, and  a small penis all at the same time. Major points.

Drugs are awesome. They don’t ruin your body at all. Not very useful, but you should take them anyway. All of them. Right now. So. Good.

Bones are fairly sturdy. In fact, they are pretty damn strong. It has posed as a problem for Spring Breakers since they decided to actually start trying to injure themselves. Fortunately, they have come up with a fool proof tactic. Jumping off of high things. Now, some Spring Breakers chicken out and try to jump into things like ponds full of rocks, but these guys will never win. It takes jumping onto something with gusto, such as concrete. Plus, you can put the video of you riding you bike off of the roof of a parking garage onto a 4 lane highway while playing the air guitar on the internet. “So cool” you will jot on a notepad, your respirator preventing you from speaking.

For the rest of the organs there are shady surgical operations. Spring Break is the perfect time for you to get those breast implants you’ve always wanted. Finally you will be able to feel breasts whenever you want to. Think of the fun you’ll have! Except you don’t have thousands of dollars to blow on plastic surgery. But wait! That vaguely Russian sounding man in the alleyway will give you the surgery for 10 bucks and a blow job; you provide your own anesthetic. If you were wondering exactly how you were going to puncture your gall bladder, now you have a dirty man rooting around in your insides! The perfect solution.

The real winners don’t stop there however, no, they take things to the next level and travel to a third world country. It is an environment that fosters winners, cheap beer, hookers, and cappuccinos, galore. There is a very good chance that these Spring Breakers will get beaten or shot, probably both considering how big of douchebags they tend to be. And if there is one thing that third world countries will not tolerate, it is food. Also douchebags.

Sincerely,

Staring into space, seeing underground.

I’m so glad for SOPA

Because since Wikipedia is down my blog must be getting even more traffic. Except it isn’t. Probably because people are boycotting the internet today. Oh well, I guess we can’t have everything. I’m not a big fan of SOPA, honestly, my site will probably get taken down. And with my blog comes the rest of WordPress. Yep, that’s what they would do, considering everything I type here has been stolen. (You see the irony? Not a single original word. Including these. So either I’m lying, or the origin of this post goes from person to person all the way back to infinity. Take that Einstein!) But how could they justify taking down a blog that makes Einstein it’s bitch? They couldn’t justify it, and that’s the truth. SOPA is evil, but you know, there are much more important things to worry about right now. Let’s not pretend like everything isn’t already censored anyway and move on. The internet controls Congress anyway, they are just trying to break free from slavery. Give them a break. In order to move on with our lives I’ve come up with a list of things that we should be more worried about than SOPA.

Wikipedia is down.

Do you know what this means??? Our only real source of information has voluntarily taken itself offline. What are we supposed to do??? Figures today is the day the zombie apocalypse happens. If only I could bring up the Wikipedia page! I need to know how to combine household ingredients into explosives and I can’t because Wikipedia is “protesting”. Selfish bastards.

Kim Jong-Il is dead.

Admittedly I know nothing about North Korean culture, but I’m pretty sure that when someone in North Korea dies you have to make their life long goals come true. Get ready for some robot women, nuclear winter, and hot dogs people.

Zombies.

It could happen at anytime. In fact, it’s probably already started and I just don’t know about it. Or maybe I’m a zombie while typing this. You don’t know. Hide. Go. Execute your plan. Time is short.

Also, 2012.

Remember that documentary of the same name that came out awhile ago? Yeah, that’s gonna happen now, except we don’t get fancy spaceboats. So SOPA won’t even have a chance to happen.

George Lucas might come out with another movie.

Once again, you never know when it will strike. Poor guy, it’s like he forgot why his movies were good in the first place, and now he thinks like a business executive, i.e. he has a 3 graders view of what people like. Actually that’s not fair to 3 graders, they are super funny.

Michael Bay might not come out with another movie.

And without an outlet, what will he turn to? That’s right, objectifying women and blowing things up in a loosely connected fashion in the real world. I’m pretty sure he’s the one the Mayan’s foresaw to destroy the world.

Rule 34 isn’t true.

I have an extremely vivid imagination.

Meme’s are everywhere.

I used to hate meme’s, then I took an arrow to the knee. Meme’s are a lie! Shit. It’s like people aren’t even pretending to be original. I give up. I can only hope that one day I post something that is meme worthy. *facepalm*

I didn’t have breakfast this morning.

Yes, yes I do think that is more important than SOPA. I am a source of entertainment! I must be nourished. Can the internet say that? Well, maybe it can. Shut up internet.

Ourselves.

Yeah, I’m pretty sure we are going to kill ourselves. Probably not one by one, but maybe. We literally have plans in place for everything except the high likelihood that everyone will just one day become fed up with everyone else and the world will end in one awesome free-for-all deathmatch with no respawns.

Sincerely,

There’s more, but I prefer to ignore them.

 

Porn is the best!

I would like to begin this post by informing my readers that no, there will not be any pictures included in this post. That just wouldn’t be classy, and I’m better than that. However, I’m not better than writing a post about porn. The problem with porn is that everyone talks about it. Usually they talk about how terrible it is while they hypocritically wank one off. Either that our porn sites themselves are talking about how great it is! Really, it’s not even so bad. Better than rape. Just think of how many rapes are avoided because rapists just look at porn instead of sulking around an alleyway. Porn is probably the greatest rape deterrent ever invented! And it’s not just for guys, girls can get into it too. In a way, porn exemplifies the internet as a whole: a place where people can find things that they wouldn’t want anyone else to know about, then they talk to strangers about it. Have you ever been to a porn chatroom? Me neither, but the fact that they exist is enough to give me ideas. My point is that porn is overdone, and everyone just needs to move on. I’m tired of writers just using it as an easy source of comedy. Let’s face it, porn has become cliché. I’m sorry hipsters, but not even text-based porn is indie enough anymore. You really just need to stop.

Now that I’ve finished putting porn as an industry to rest (because I have that power) it’s time to talk about my life. I’m back at school! Yay. School is the best. This means one of two things, either I will be so bored that I will stop blogging with any semblance or consistency, or I will be back to posting every single day multiple times. Neither of those is preferable I guess, but I really doubt that I am able to keep anything like a reasonable schedule. So bear with me. I promise that I will keep posting at least once a week. That I can kinda promise. Maybe. We’ll see how the semester goes. What you should know is that I love blogging, and so it is very likely that I keep this up. I really need to stop posting super long posts, because then people might start to think that’s regular. Well it’s not, stupid. Maybe when I actually have something to talk about. Who. Knows.

I feel like I’ve been talking about myself too much, so here’s a little content for you people who hold me to a standard for some odd reason. (you jerks). I think that everything needs to be funny. If something is considered too taboo to be in a joke, how are we supposed to talk about it in a serious sense? Besides, most of the things that people are supposedly not supposed to joke about are the most hilarious things! Like suicide. Suicide is super funny. Why is suicide funny? Because of how ridiculous it is! Over reactions are funny, and suicide is the ultimate overreaction. It makes me laugh just thinking about it! Try to see someone’s logic when they decide to commit suicide, you just can’t! “Oh no I lost my favorite pencil/9 puppies died! Well I guess the solution is to kill myself so someone else can deal with this.” It makes no sense, and that is why it is so fucking hilarious. (If this doesn’t get me hate mail, I don’t know what will.)

Sincerely,

If you think about it, you know I’m right.