I must apologize for the lack of a post last week. It was my spring break and I was in no state for writing. The authorities require that I keep it vague, but lets just say that’s the last time I implant a priceless diamond behind my elbow. My shrapnel wounds will probably never heal.
Spring break is a staple of a college student‘s life. People look forward to it, strangely more than the 4 months off of school that comes so soon after. Spring Break is a time of great excitement , adventure, and sleeping on motel floors. Students love to defend their precious break by saying things like, “we need the break from classes”, “we’re tired”, “I’m tired of sobering up while sitting in class, what I really need is a week of constant drinking.” No one is fooled. It’s clear that Spring Break is actually a contest to see how much damage we can do to our bodies in only one week.
The contest is illustrious, the prizes magnificent, and the stakes high. Success in the contest leads to lots of copulation, and failure results in life altering ridicule. Spring Break is the ultimate battle of manly fortitude, ballsyness, and douchebaggery. Mostly though, it’s how much crap can you possibly ingest in the shortest amount of time. There are various methods used by spring breakers to accomplish their goal, designed to attack every organ system.
Poor liver. Its always the first to go. That’s because beer is cheap enough to fill swimming pools with. So that’s what we do. This strategy is time-tested and effective. Did you know that drunk people aren’t good at swimming? Just ask those corpses floating in our beer pool. I guess it’s easy to confuse drinking and inhaling. A simple mistake that anyone might make.Inebriation itself leads to many of the next strategies on the list, making basically instant win juice.
The only thing nearly as easy to get as alcohol is pot. I guess you can also smoke cigarettes if you want, but that’s boring. Use these to decimate the lungs. Cigars however, are a stupid choice. You will never win Spring Break by smoking a cigar. Because while they might make you look like a suave badass, they are simply far to healthy to be a valid winning strategy. It’s best to go for the cheapest tariest cigarette that you can find, and smoke three of those along with enough pot to make you so high that you can’t feel you feet. Heeheehee
Spring Break is and always has been full of sex. That’s because sex is a fantastic strategy for dominance, because genital damage is worth extra points. There are few more reliable ways to get and STD other than getting a tattoo done in prison. Or by just being in prison. The best thing is that STDs are stackable, and you can have herpes, syphilis, and a small penis all at the same time. Major points.
Drugs are awesome. They don’t ruin your body at all. Not very useful, but you should take them anyway. All of them. Right now. So. Good.
Bones are fairly sturdy. In fact, they are pretty damn strong. It has posed as a problem for Spring Breakers since they decided to actually start trying to injure themselves. Fortunately, they have come up with a fool proof tactic. Jumping off of high things. Now, some Spring Breakers chicken out and try to jump into things like ponds full of rocks, but these guys will never win. It takes jumping onto something with gusto, such as concrete. Plus, you can put the video of you riding you bike off of the roof of a parking garage onto a 4 lane highway while playing the air guitar on the internet. “So cool” you will jot on a notepad, your respirator preventing you from speaking.
For the rest of the organs there are shady surgical operations. Spring Break is the perfect time for you to get those breast implants you’ve always wanted. Finally you will be able to feel breasts whenever you want to. Think of the fun you’ll have! Except you don’t have thousands of dollars to blow on plastic surgery. But wait! That vaguely Russian sounding man in the alleyway will give you the surgery for 10 bucks and a blow job; you provide your own anesthetic. If you were wondering exactly how you were going to puncture your gall bladder, now you have a dirty man rooting around in your insides! The perfect solution.
The real winners don’t stop there however, no, they take things to the next level and travel to a third world country. It is an environment that fosters winners, cheap beer, hookers, and cappuccinos, galore. There is a very good chance that these Spring Breakers will get beaten or shot, probably both considering how big of douchebags they tend to be. And if there is one thing that third world countries will not tolerate, it is food. Also douchebags.
Staring into space, seeing underground.