Some people think that all couples are the same, or that there are stages to a relationship. Those people are wrong. You shouldn’t talk to those people. You’re better than that. In reality, couples vary in vast amounts that never, ever change. Please. As a single person, it is important to understand the differences between couples so that one can safely navigate the treacherous waters of interacting with people who are “romantically involved”. Do not confuse this with romantically entangled, if you are talking to those people, you have larger problems. Seriously, just watch. Or not, that’s creepy. Anyway, for our collective single (ALONE) benefit I have compiled this list of the types of couples along with advice for how to interact with them. This way we can stay smugly superior as we are secretly burning with an intense jealousy that we relieve late at night by listening to Linkin Park, tearing up our pillows, and cursing our lack of basic social skills. Then our roommates ask us what’s going on and all we can do is yell “It doesn’t really matter!” as we cry while trying to bathe in the sink. Wait, what was I talking about? Hmm….
The Plutonium Couple
Just like plutonium this couple is highly unstable, also radioactive. Spending too much time around them will give you cancer, as well as incinerate you when they inevitably spark the chain reaction of complaints and accusations that becomes an all-consuming fireball of hatelove. Or lovehate. Or just plain awful. This kind of couple is constantly fighting, breaking up, and then getting back together. No one is sure why they keep doing it, but it’s probably due to their paralyzing fear of dying alone. That or really awesome sex. Whatever. Most often found in grocery stores, as they argue about whether or not “It’s embarrassing to buy high fiber cereal”.
What to do: This type of couple will almost certainly try to pull you into their various arguments, getting you inextricably involved in their pointless drama. While you might be tempted to simply avoid being sucked in, that is not the best option. What you should do is play each person off of the other, escalating the disagreement until they never want speak to each other, or you, again. This strategy has the added satisfaction of creating two people more miserable than you are. Asshole.
Are these people even dating? According to Facebook, but it’s hard to imagine these people getting intimate. Do they even look at each other? All I know is that one is doing the history homework while the other is doing the science. I’m pretty sure they don’t know what each other’s voice sounds like. This type of couple makes one super efficient team, they get shit done. In fact they are so well-oiled, conversation is no longer necessary. Touching? Please. There’s work to be done. Most often seen with children, a dog, or in the same profession. Like door to door salespeople.
What to do: First, try not to get intimidated by how much better they are at everything, they are awesome, deal with it. Whatever you do, don’t mention the fact that they are in a relationship. They’ve probably forgotten, and the shock might kill them. These are not the type of people who cope well with anything that wasn’t on their calendar. The best thing to do is pretend they are just co-workers that always have the same assignment, and avoid the weirdness in seeing them in social situations. Ha, like they do anything social together. Then they’d almost be like a couple.
This couple has left. On a journey to a place called “getting some constantly”. They are sitting right in front of you, but they aren’t there. Actually, they happen to be drowning in a whirlpool of infatuation. That’s why they have to keep giving each other mouth to mouth. This type of couple is so overtaken with their feelings that they are completely oblivious to their surroundings. Most often seen in the middle of intersections, getting hit by buses. Bus drivers have the best aim.
What to do: Whatever you want. You might be uncomfortable at first watching them, but once you realize it’s just like real life porn you’ll settle into your normal habits, and be fine. As long as your normal habits include watching porn in public. If not, it’s still weird. You’ll get strange looks. Because this couple has no idea what is going on around them, feel free to throw rocks at their heads, steal their wallets, and use them as human shields in your paintball tournament.
The Awkwardness Alliance
Sometimes people have one-night stands then feel bad about “using” someone, and actually call them later. Terrible. Mistake. They end up dating because they think they have to, but they quickly realize that people just aren’t as hilarious when you aren’t on ecstasy. Go figure. This couple can be found running into each other in public and pretending that they didn’t see. Talking is uncomfortable.
What to do: This couple will constantly try to bring you along on their dates so that they have someone they don’t secretly resent to talk to. Don’t put yourself in the position of filling the awkward gap of silence and potential pregnancy. Instead, tell them about all the action you are getting by being single, and pester them with biting sarcasm. Eventually they will start to hate you so much that one of them will sleep with you. That’s how it works, right?
The Best Friends
This is almost incest. I mean my God, who knew people could be so close in every way? You have to tell yourself that they are not intimate, otherwise you become uncomfortable to the point of seizure every time you run into them. This couple hangs out all the time, laughs together, and seen related. They’re not though, right? RIGHT? People are often caught checking if cops are around in the presence of these two.
What to do: Nothing. They don’t need you, they have each other. Any attempt to interact with this couple will be immediately halted by a fortress of obscure inside jokes. There is no penetration. (Please God no.) Comments about their potentially deformed babies will only garner strange looks. Do not be fooled by their apparent sociability with the outside world, they don’t want to speak to you. Spending any amount of time with this couple will third wheel you so hard you will have scarring.
Not to be confused with the best friends, for this couple is far beyond that. They don’t do anything together anymore, because they have become one organism. You can tell because their hands will have fused together and turned gray from lack of circulation. It’s the mark of true love.
What to do: Any attempt to address either individual will only result in confusion. It is best to treat this couple as one person, perhaps with a funny name. Basically, you have a new pet. Feel free to hang out with this couple as much as you want, because there is no danger you being a third wheel, I mean, who talks to themselves?
The Corner People
Who are those people? And what are they doing there? Did they walk there without their clothes or did they stash them somewhere I can’t see? They are always right there. Actually, they might live there. I’m not even sure anymore. Is that a sweat stain on the wall? I think it is. This couple is like a plant, not mobile, and you aren’t even sure how it got there in the first place. Probably magic.
What to do: Study them. Those intertwined limbs might not even be people, rather a cloning experiment gone wrong that has taken root in the corner. Perform a thorough scientific examination. Find out what they are made of. My guess is lead.
They are so happy. SO HAPPY. Why can’t everyone be as happy as they are? Let’s make them happy. This couple always knows exactly who would be perfect for you, and they have a heroine like addiction to double dates. This couple is like a free, extremely misguided version of eHarmony. As in, they are just pairing people up at random. They just want every one to have what they have.
What to do: This kind of couple calls for a bit conspiring. You see, the real reason that they keep going on double dates is that they have run out of things to talk about. To be honest, their relationship is rather stale. Like a pimple. Spending time with awkward blind dates allows them to rationalize staying together because it’s “safer”. I mean who want’s to go through all that trouble again? I just don’t want to be alone… What you should do is get one of your friends to go on a double date with you, and pretend to have an amazing time. I mean really hit it off. This will likely infuriate the couple, and cause a scene that you can later post on YouTube. Get like a bazillion hits. Then you might as well just sleep together.
Oh, dear God. I do not care which sex position you just tried. Or how awesome it felt. Or that a video of it accidentally leaked on to YouTube. Yes, I do realize that your relationship basically consists of you guys having weird sex. No, I am not jealous. Ok, maybe a little bit. Shut Up.
What to do: Challenge to a sex off. Their insecurities will not let them turn down a challenge. Then you can prove your own prowess as a lover. Or not. Either way, you get laid, even if it is in a competition. I mean come on, you’re single, what else are you going to do? Get a relationship? Please.
My eyes are like burning tea kettles.