I know your first question, “Why not a party where you know nobody? Wouldn’t that be worse?” No. If you are the type of person who just walks in to a party that you see happening, you have no need for advice. You are already a sociopath, and any advice I could give would just be misconstrued in order to validate your desire to rub your crotch on strangers during normal conversation.
This article is for those of you who have been invited to a party by a friend, but once you arrive you realize you know none of the other guests. This type of situation can be tricky, fortunately, I am here to give you advice. I am writing this assuming you have found my article by Googling on your phone, while at said party. You’ve already taken the proper first step, spending time on your phone makes people think you are doing important things.
Step 1: Find someone to talk to
This step is very tricky. As you are reading this you are probably looking around for the host who invited you. Don’t bother. Even if you find this person, they will not have time for you. At the moment they are overwhelmed with the daunting task of providing appropriate food and music, making sure their home is not destroyed, and trying to be social with all these people they’ve invited. Tonight they will learn the stupidity of hosting a large party. They are not your concern.
Look around you. You will see various targets. The most notable is the large group of people having a lively conversation. You cannot go talk to these people. They are talking about a single subject, at this point in such minute detail that by simply walking up you will not even understand what they are saying. As you are looking at this group you may see someone walk up and join in. Don’t be fooled. They are only successful because they actually know someone who is in this conversation. That is the only reason that anyone would take the time to catch them up on what has already been said, and therefore they can begin to contribute. You don’t know anyone. Don’t even bother.
Next you will notice small groups of people speaking to one another. Now, while they are not having the best party experience, they are still untouchable. These people all know each other, probably well. They don’t make new friends easily, and instead of trying, they simply talk to their established friends the entire night. If you were to try and join in their conversation at best they would ignore you, and more likely would threaten your family in order to get you to leave them alone.
You may be tempted to go hit on someone. Don’t do that. You have decided to look up social advice on your cell phone at a party. You do not have the charm required to pick someone up. Just don’t.
It is time to look to the walls, or the table with the snacks. Do you see someone standing alone? Of course you do. If this host is ignorant enough to invite one person who knows no one else, it is almost a sure bet they invited others. Stupid people tend to make the same mistake over and over again. It’s a thing. This is the person you should talk to.
Step 2: Introduce yourself.
The approach is tricky. You are attempting to talk to someone who is mildly pissed off that they are at a party where they don’t know anyone besides the host. Make sure you don’t accidentally approach someone who doesn’t even know the host. Is this person quietly giggling to themselves? Are they rubbing themselves on the furniture? If they are, you probably should not go talk to them. Obviously.
Now, you have to be careful not to piss them off further. Don’t walk up and ask them if they know the host. Of course they know the host. Are you stupid? You’re stupid. God, just, just go home. There is nothing for you here. Instead, ask them if they know anyone else. Literally anyone. Actually say the word anyone. When they spit the word know into the punch along with their chewing tobacco, you may think that you have angered them. You have, but their anger is not with you, but with the host. Feed that anger. Tell them how you also know no one. Tell them your name, but only your first, not your last. Join in their anger, and feed it.
Step 3: Conversation topics.
The person you are talking to hates small talk. That’s why they don’t have any friends. So don’t bring up the weather, or the traffic, or politics. It won’t work. Instead focus on what you know you have in common. An annoyance with the host for inviting you to a party where you know no one else. Now, you can’t talk about an annoyance for very long. You may think that means you should talk about other topics. You would be wrong. Instead your best strategy is to fuel that annoyance into a full on inferno of blistering hatred that fills both of you to bursting.
Step 4: Get Super Drunk.
This step should be self explanatory. Make sure your new friend is getting just as drunk. And I mean really drunk. When you throw up drink to get the taste out of your mouth drunk. It’s important that you do not remember this night’s events drunk.
Step 5: Make Plans.
At this point both of you should hate the host enough to plot murder. Very personal murder. Like with a knife, or strangling or something. But then you start to hate the other guests as well. Look at them, having a good time. Who do they think they are? They are rubbing their fun in your face. What assholes! They can’t just be happy keeping to themselves, they have to be so public with their speech and their laughter. How can people laugh so loudly? IT’S AN INHUMAN LAUGH.
The obvious plan at this point is to burn the house down. But you will need supplies.
Step 6: The Beer Run.
Wait until the party runs out of beer. This will happen. The host clearly has poor foresight, and this is an inevitability. Furthermore this gives you and your friend an excuse to leave and then come back.
Step 7: The Drive.
It’s important not to die while driving. Also it would be good not to kill anyone else. You don’t hate them. They’ve done nothing to you. Unlike the host. Who is EVIL. Unfortunately this is not an article in which I give advice about how to safely drive drunk. Sorry.
Step 8: Supplies
What do you need to commit deadly arson? Multiple lighters. Newspaper. Explosives are good. Kerosene. Gasoline. Lighter fluid. Thermite. These things are important. Also maybe gloves. While you’re here, pick up a nice summer scarf. They are very stylish. It’s important you don’t forget the beer, or else people might get suspicious.
Step 9: Starting the fire.
The best place to start the fire is the bedroom. I will explain. When you comeback with the beer, you will be a hero for a short time. People might actually want to talk to you. Don’t let it fool you. You still hate them, because they are the worst. However, it will make sneaking off difficult. Kiss your friend. Kiss them good. Make it obvious that you are going to have dirty dirty sex in the bedroom. Take the supplies.
Step 10: Start the fire.
Use everything. And start the fire. Only after you have dirty dirty sex. Mmmm.
Step 11: Mission Accomplished.
As you watch it burn, listen to the screams of the people you despise. Soak it in. Grasp the hand of your friend, so that you can enjoy this special moment together. You had fun didn’t you? You can put your phone away now, I’ve done all I can, stud.
Best Advice in the World. Aww yeah.