Good Advice: A Party Where You Only Know the Host

I know your first question, “Why not a party where you know nobody? Wouldn’t that be worse?” No. If you are the type of person who just walks in to a party that you see happening, you have no need for advice. You are already a sociopath, and any advice I could give would just be misconstrued in order to validate your desire to rub your crotch on strangers during normal conversation.

This article is for those of you who have been invited to a party by a friend, but once you arrive you realize you know none of the other guests. This type of situation can be tricky, fortunately, I am here to give you advice. I am writing this assuming you have found my article by Googling on your phone, while at said party. You’ve already taken the proper first step, spending time on your phone makes people think you are doing important things.

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Step 1: Find someone to talk to

This step is very tricky. As you are reading this you are probably looking around for the host who invited you. Don’t bother. Even if you find this person, they will not have time for you. At the moment they are overwhelmed with the daunting task of providing appropriate food and music, making sure their home is not destroyed, and trying to be social with all these people they’ve invited. Tonight they will learn the stupidity of hosting a large party. They are not your concern.

Look around you. You will see various targets. The most notable is the large group of people having a lively conversation. You cannot go talk to these people. They are talking about a single subject, at this point in such minute detail that by simply walking up you will not even understand what they are saying. As you are looking at this group you may see someone walk up and join in. Don’t be fooled. They are only successful because they actually know someone who is in this conversation. That is the only reason that anyone would take the time to catch them up on what has already been said, and therefore they can begin to contribute. You don’t know anyone. Don’t even bother.

Next you will notice small groups of people speaking to one another. Now, while they are not having the best party experience, they are still untouchable. These people all know each other, probably well. They don’t make new friends easily, and instead of trying, they simply talk to their established friends the entire night. If you were to try and join in their conversation at best they would ignore you, and more likely would threaten your family in order to get you to leave them alone.

You may be tempted to go hit on someone. Don’t do that. You have decided to look up social advice on your cell phone at a party. You do not have the charm required to pick someone up. Just don’t.

It is time to look to the walls, or the table with the snacks. Do you see someone standing alone? Of course you do. If this host is ignorant enough to invite one person who knows no one else, it is almost a sure bet they invited others. Stupid people tend to make the same mistake over and over again. It’s a thing. This is the person you should talk to.

Step 2: Introduce yourself.

The approach is tricky. You are attempting to talk to someone who is mildly pissed off that they are at a party where they don’t know anyone besides the host. Make sure you don’t accidentally approach someone who doesn’t even know the host. Is this person quietly giggling to themselves? Are they rubbing themselves on the furniture? If they are, you probably should not go talk to them. Obviously.

Now, you have to be careful not to piss them off further. Don’t walk up and ask them if they know the host. Of course they know the host. Are you stupid? You’re stupid. God, just, just go home. There is nothing for you here. Instead, ask them if they know anyone else. Literally anyone. Actually say the word anyone. When they spit the word know into the punch along with their chewing tobacco, you may think that you have angered them. You have, but their anger is not with you, but with the host. Feed that anger. Tell them how you also know no one. Tell them your name, but only your first, not your last. Join in their anger, and feed it.

Step 3: Conversation topics.

The person you are talking to hates small talk. That’s why they don’t have any friends. So don’t bring up the weather, or the traffic, or politics. It won’t work. Instead focus on what you know you have in common. An annoyance with the host for inviting you to a party where you know no one else. Now, you can’t talk about an annoyance for very long. You may think that means you should talk about other topics. You would be wrong. Instead your best strategy is to fuel that annoyance into a full on inferno of blistering hatred that fills both of you to bursting.

Step 4: Get Super Drunk.

This step should be self explanatory. Make sure your new friend is getting just as drunk. And I mean really drunk. When you throw up drink to get the taste out of your mouth drunk. It’s important that you do not remember this night’s events drunk.

Step 5: Make Plans.

At this point both of you should hate the host enough to plot murder. Very personal murder. Like with a knife, or strangling or something. But then you start to hate the other guests as well. Look at them, having a good time. Who do they think they are? They are rubbing their fun in your face. What assholes! They can’t just be happy keeping to themselves, they have to be so public with their speech and their laughter. How can people laugh so loudly? IT’S AN INHUMAN LAUGH.

The obvious plan at this point is to burn the house down. But you will need supplies.

Step 6: The Beer Run.

Wait until the party runs out of beer. This will happen. The host clearly has poor foresight, and this is an inevitability. Furthermore this gives you and your friend an excuse to leave and then come back.

Step 7: The Drive.

It’s important not to die while driving. Also it would be good not to kill anyone else. You don’t hate them. They’ve done nothing to you. Unlike the host. Who is EVIL. Unfortunately this is not an article in which I give advice about how to safely drive drunk. Sorry.

Step 8: Supplies

What do you need to commit deadly arson? Multiple lighters. Newspaper. Explosives are good. Kerosene. Gasoline. Lighter fluid. Thermite. These things are important. Also maybe gloves. While you’re here, pick up a nice summer scarf. They are very stylish. It’s important you don’t forget the beer, or else people might get suspicious.

Step 9: Starting the fire.

The best place to start the fire is the bedroom. I will explain. When you comeback with the beer, you will be a hero for a short time. People might actually want to talk to you. Don’t let it fool you. You still hate them, because they are the worst. However, it will make sneaking off difficult. Kiss your friend. Kiss them good. Make it obvious that you are going to have dirty dirty sex in the bedroom. Take the supplies.

Step 10: Start the fire.

Use everything. And start the fire. Only after you have dirty dirty sex. Mmmm.

Step 11: Mission Accomplished.

As you watch it burn, listen to the screams of the people you despise. Soak it in. Grasp the hand of your friend, so that you can enjoy this special moment together. You had fun didn’t you? You can put your phone away now, I’ve done all I can, stud.

Sincerely,

Best Advice in the World. Aww yeah.

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Life Advice From a Dog

Life Lessons From Your Dog

Do these things:

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Eat the same thing for every meal every day.

If you piss on it, it’s yours.

I’M HAPPY

Never let a pretty girl pass by without sniffing her butt.

Gnawing on plastic keeps your teeth healthy.

SO HAPPY

Don’t let strangers near your yard. Seriously. They could do bad things.

Hump it, so it knows who’s boss. Awww Yeah. Also ’cause you’re horny.

HAPPY EVERYWHERE

When playing, it’s ok to use your teeth.

Never go out without a collar around your neck.

Sleep on the floor.

Did that thing move? KILL IT.

HAPPY AGAIN

There is no such thing as the five-second rule. Eat that.

Its ok for strangers to touch you as long as they don’t smell weird.

If you can lick your own balls do it.

Often.

Poop everywhere.

* * *

Life Advice From A Cougar

Eat People.

 

Sincerely,

Not familiar enough with other animals

A Single Guide To Couples

Some people think that all couples are the same, or that there are stages to a relationship. Those people are wrong. You shouldn’t talk to those people. You’re better than that. In reality, couples vary in vast amounts that never, ever change. Please. As a single person, it is important to understand the differences between couples so that one can safely navigate the treacherous waters of interacting with people who are “romantically involved”. Do not confuse this with romantically entangled, if you are talking to those people, you have larger problems. Seriously, just watch. Or not, that’s creepy. Anyway, for our collective single (ALONE) benefit I have compiled this list of the types of couples along with advice for how to interact with them. This way we can stay smugly superior as we are secretly burning with an intense jealousy that we relieve late at night by listening to Linkin Park, tearing up our pillows, and cursing our lack of basic social skills. Then our roommates ask us what’s going on and all we can do is yell “It doesn’t really matter!” as we cry while trying to bathe in the sink. Wait, what was I talking about? Hmm….

 

The Plutonium Couple

 

Just like plutonium this couple is highly unstable, also radioactive. Spending too much time around them will give you cancer, as well as incinerate you when they inevitably spark the chain reaction of complaints and accusations that becomes an all-consuming fireball of hatelove. Or lovehate. Or just plain awful. This kind of couple is constantly fighting, breaking up, and then getting back together. No one is sure why they keep doing it, but it’s probably due to their paralyzing fear of dying alone. That or really awesome sex. Whatever. Most often found in grocery stores, as they argue about whether or not “It’s embarrassing to buy high fiber cereal”.

 

What to do: This type of couple will almost certainly try to pull you into their various arguments, getting you inextricably involved in their pointless drama. While you might be tempted to simply avoid being sucked in, that is not the best option. What you should do is play each person off of the other, escalating the disagreement until they never want speak to each other, or you, again. This strategy has the added satisfaction of creating two people more miserable than you are. Asshole.

 

The Team

 

Are these people even dating? According to Facebook, but it’s hard to imagine these people getting intimate. Do they even look at each other? All I know is that one is doing the history homework while the other is doing the science. I’m pretty sure they don’t know what each other’s voice sounds like. This type of couple makes one super efficient team, they get shit done. In fact they are so well-oiled, conversation is no longer necessary. Touching? Please. There’s work to be done. Most often seen with children, a dog, or in the same profession. Like door to door salespeople.

 

What to do: First, try not to get intimidated by how much better they are at everything, they are awesome, deal with it. Whatever you do, don’t mention the fact that they are in a relationship. They’ve probably forgotten, and the shock might kill them. These are not the type of people who cope well with anything that wasn’t on their calendar. The best thing to do is pretend they are just co-workers that always have the same assignment, and avoid the weirdness in seeing them in social situations. Ha, like they do anything social together. Then they’d almost be like a couple.

 

The Departed

 

This couple has left. On a journey to a place called “getting some constantly”. They are sitting right in front of you, but they aren’t there. Actually, they happen to be drowning in a whirlpool of infatuation. That’s why they have to keep giving each other mouth to mouth. This type of couple is so overtaken with their feelings that they are completely oblivious to their surroundings. Most often seen in the middle of intersections, getting hit by buses. Bus drivers have the best aim.

 

What to do: Whatever you want. You might be uncomfortable at first watching them, but once you realize it’s just like real life porn you’ll settle into your normal habits, and be fine. As long as your normal habits include watching porn in public. If not, it’s still weird. You’ll get strange looks. Because this couple has no idea what is going on around them, feel free to throw rocks at their heads, steal their wallets, and use them as human shields in your paintball tournament.

 

The Awkwardness Alliance

 

Sometimes people have one-night stands then feel bad about “using” someone, and actually call them later. Terrible. Mistake. They end up dating because they think they have to, but they quickly realize that people just aren’t as hilarious when you aren’t on ecstasy. Go figure. This couple can be found running into each other in public and pretending that they didn’t see. Talking is uncomfortable.

 

What to do: This couple will constantly try to bring you along on their dates so that they have someone they don’t secretly resent to talk to. Don’t put yourself in the position of filling the awkward gap of silence and potential pregnancy. Instead, tell them about all the action you are getting by being single, and pester them with biting sarcasm. Eventually they will start to hate you so much that one of them will sleep with you. That’s how it works, right?

 

The Best Friends

 

This is almost incest. I mean my God, who knew people could be so close in every way? You have to tell yourself that they are not intimate, otherwise you become uncomfortable to the point of seizure every time you run into them. This couple hangs out all the time, laughs together, and seen related. They’re not though, right? RIGHT? People are often caught checking if cops are around in the presence of these two.

 

What to do: Nothing. They don’t need you, they have each other. Any attempt to interact with this couple will be immediately halted by a fortress of obscure inside jokes. There is no penetration. (Please God no.) Comments about their potentially deformed babies will only garner strange looks. Do not be fooled by their apparent sociability with the outside world, they don’t want to speak to you. Spending any amount of time with this couple will third wheel you so hard you will have scarring.

 

The Conjoined

 

Not to be confused with the best friends, for this couple is far beyond that. They don’t do anything together anymore, because they have become one organism. You can tell because their hands will have fused together and turned gray from lack of circulation. It’s the mark of true love.

 

What to do: Any attempt to address either individual will only result in confusion. It is best to treat this couple as one person, perhaps with a funny name. Basically, you have a new pet. Feel free to hang out with this couple as much as you want, because there is no danger you being a third wheel, I mean, who talks to themselves?

 

The Corner People

 

Who are those people? And what are they doing there? Did they walk there without their clothes or did they stash them somewhere I can’t see? They are always right there. Actually, they might live there. I’m not even sure anymore. Is that a sweat stain on the wall? I think it is. This couple is like a plant, not mobile, and you aren’t even sure how it got there in the first place. Probably magic.

 

What to do: Study them. Those intertwined limbs might not even be people, rather a cloning experiment gone wrong that has taken root in the corner. Perform a thorough scientific examination. Find out what they are made of. My guess is lead.

 

The Matchmakers

 

They are so happy. SO HAPPY. Why can’t everyone be as happy as they are? Let’s make them happy. This couple always knows exactly who would be perfect for you, and they have a heroine like addiction to double dates. This couple is like a free, extremely misguided version of eHarmony. As in, they are just pairing people up at random. They just want every one to have what they have.

 

What to do: This kind of couple calls for a bit conspiring. You see, the real reason that they keep going on double dates is that they have run out of things to talk about. To be honest, their relationship is rather stale. Like a pimple. Spending time with awkward blind dates allows them to rationalize staying together because it’s “safer”. I mean who want’s to go through all that trouble again? I just don’t want to be alone… What you should do is get one of your friends to go on a double date with you, and pretend to have an amazing time. I mean really hit it off. This will likely infuriate the couple, and cause a scene that you can later post on YouTube. Get like a bazillion hits. Then you might as well just sleep together.

 

The Boasters

 

Oh, dear God. I do not care which sex position you just tried. Or how awesome it felt. Or that a video of it accidentally leaked on to YouTube. Yes, I do realize that your relationship basically consists of you guys having weird sex. No, I am not jealous. Ok, maybe a little bit. Shut Up.

 

What to do: Challenge to a sex off. Their insecurities will not let them turn down a challenge. Then you can prove your own prowess as a lover. Or not. Either way, you get laid, even if it is in a competition.  I mean come on, you’re single, what else are you going to do? Get a relationship? Please.

 

Sincerely,

My eyes are like burning tea kettles.

The Creative Process, a quick How To Guide.

Now that I have adopted this fancy new thing where I update regularly, I am forced to well, update regularly. So here I am. The problem is that I spent my writing time for the past week doing two things: Writing a screenplay, and chronicling a story that I shall turn into a series of blog posts. Should you be excited? Heck yes. It includes drunk chicks, stray dogs and the bus. If that doesn’t excite you, you are in a coma. I wish you the best.  Unfortunately that series is not ready to be posted yet, so here is this one… yeah…

People ask me all the time how I come up with things to blog. (Read: People never ask me.) Usually I tell them that it is simply a by-product of my condition. That is, boredom. That’s not entirely true though, especially since I have given up the right to simply wait around for an idea to strike me. So here is a more detailed look into the process of how I come up with a blog post. (Actually I just take a lot of drugs, but that’s not really a helpful explanation. Or maybe it is.)

1. Put it off because no idea has struck me yet.

These are all lies.

I’ll bet you think that means procrastinating. If you don’t think that, then you are one of those people in a coma. Not sure how you are reading this, to be honest. I guess you figured out a way. Maybe someone is reading it to you! You might notice that I am stalling. This is supposed to be a how to guide, so I’m not even sure why I decided the first step was to not do anything related to blogging. It make no sense. Also, I should stop writing in such a self-aware fashion. Back to procrastination! Basically what I do is other things that are not this. You know, like ride a bike, meet women, play pool, hack the CIA, lie to my parents, burn bras, pretend to catch comets, rub comet on my hands, rush to the hospital, dodge taxes, go undercover in the amoeba fighting ring, start a boy band, revolutionize the styrofoam industry, trim my nails, read books about psycholinguistics, color, mix martinis, plan my trips to the bathroom with obnoxious detail, rub my fingers on the carpet until they are numb, drink tears, blow bubbles, crochet, steal a rocking horse, fly on the back of an obese woman, solve pessimism then decide that it would never work, contemplate following the internet’s advice and disappearing, tie knots in ponytails, brush my teeth, smell paper, raise a family of chipmunks, create fake classes in the school registry, learn Python, ignore the news, run for governor of Georgia, design designer sunglassess  and stare blankly at a wall while the girl at the coffee shop is trying to take my order. Those are my standard methods of procrastinating anyway. At this stage I try to stay away from the internet, because I might stumble across my blog and be consumed by guilt. And guilt makes me sneeze.

2. Stare at the blank post window

This step is extremely important. Seriously, like, you don’t even know. It’s at this point that I have deep penetrating philosophical discussions with myself. I stare at the whiteness until it consumes me, and I begin to see all the colors and shapes behind it, and soon I’m floating in the emptiness. Below me are large colorful cubes. They frighten me. I try to swim away but there is no oxygen, so my flailing is rather ineffective. The cubes come closer and closer until they become turtles. (Because that is what happens when one gets too close to a cube.)  One of them eats me. I don’t notice, because I’m passed out from the lack of oxygen. Inside the stomach I find a room full of pillows, but they are all throw pillows and not the least bit comfortable. I begin to cry, and a bearded man wipes my tears away with a fish. “That smells” I tell him. He just looks at me, and pulls out a knife. Then he offers me a hug. Of course I accept. Then he stabs me in the back and cuts me right open. Then I bleed chili which we eat with our hands. After the filling meal, I die. It’s about that time that I realize I have to come up with a blog post tonight, so I move on to another strategy.

3. Listen to music

Sufjan Stevens is the greatest musician of all time

Mostly to soothe my discouraged soul, but always with the pretense of finding “inspiration”. People always talk about inspiration, but I’m pretty sure that it’s not a thing. I think it’s a made up word, like “Chrishaunakamasramkwanzadon” or “sponge”. For best results I listen to the stranger songs in my library, hoping that they will align with my own particular style of humor/abrasiveness. I like “Swing Tree” by Discovery, “I Shatter” by The Magnetic Fields, and Lady Gaga. Then “Mad World” pops up and I get all reflective again and any ideas I might have had seem insignificant compared to the problems of the world. Then I think about writing about those things but then I remember that this blog is humorous. Well it’s supposed to be anyway. Shut up Mom!

4. Wander around the internet

It’s around this time that I seriously consider stealing any kind of creative idea that I can find. Sometimes I will go read Reasonably Ludicrous but that is never a good idea because the sheer quality of that blog makes me want to light my laptop on fire in reverence. Despite the cool visual, it’s considerably harder to blog on a laptop that is on fire, as opposed to not. Then I usually go to Facebook, which is also a bad idea, because I am in the blog mindset at this point, and when I have that mindset on Facebook I tend to lose friends. Apparently I can be a dick sometimes. I know, surprising. (Shut up Mom. Again.) So after I am chased off of Facebook I turn to that bastion of trivial information and cat videos that is StumbleUpon. Once it convinced me to become a master hacker, with my own reality TV show called, “Net Ninja, Secretly Surfing Secure Servers”. The networks just didn’t go for it. Also, I’m an abysmal hacker. Today I found a page full of inspirational quotes. Some were strange, and none were about blogging, but  I found the one I posted above. I’m not sure how that’s inspirational  in any way. I guess somehow it’s supposed to make crazy people feel better? Personally, I side with the on-lookers, because people dancing without music look ridiculous. And if you are dancing to music that isn’t there, then you actually are crazy, so I feel like this just rubs it in. Way to drop the ball Nietzsche. Hell, the quote is probably just taken way out of context. It continues by saying: “So the crazy people were placed into an institution where they were diagnosed and prescribed medication so that they would no longer hear phantom music. They went on to lead productive lives thanks to the fact that they were not constantly prancing about like an antelope having a seizure and a stroke at the same time. Those people were forever grateful to those that noticed their malady.” Of course now it’s inspirational again. But in a different, more practical way. Watch out for crazy people, they need your help. Please.

5. Lie

No it isn't.

It’s at this point that I realize that I actually need to start writing. So that’s what I do. I begin typing and produce a cascade of lies that are tentatively related at best. Then I make sure to add some belligerent undertones so it seems like I’m not just funny, but I also mean business. Thus, sarcasm. Sarcasm just doesn’t seem to come across on the internet, so I’ve been told, many, many, many times. Never mind the fact that satire has been printed for hundreds of years, on the internet it fails, and now people are crying for some kind of sarcastic font. I say there already is one. Times New Roman. Oh man, how can anyone take that font seriously? LOL (Curse you Comic Sanssssss!) After I have lied enough, I give the post a title, if I haven’t already. Because I generally have no specific direction in mind when I begin to write, the title almost always comes last. Then the title sounds like a great idea so I delete everything I have written, pop some unmarked pills, and have a seizure. When I come to, I hit publish.

That’s how to write a blog.

Sincerely,

I’ve been sitting on the floor this entire tiiiiiiiime!

PS The blog I mention in this post, Reasonably Ludicrous, comes out with their new posts every Tuesday. I went to read it as soon as I finished this post, and guess what I found? Yep, it is titled “How to write a blog post in 39 easy steps.” I don’t have the heart to delete my post so, oh well. Sorry guys. I’m sure we’ll all laugh about this soon! *sob*

Lying, Smiles, and Explosions also I found 5 dollars

I am a dirty dirty liar. But you like that don’t you. Oh yeah. Dirrrrrty. What? Oh. Sorry. Well, like I said, I am a liar. I promised, PROMISED all my many readers that I would post a real post last week but I didn’t. I am the worst person in existence. Throw me into the fire! Time to meet goat man and eat a salad. To bad the internet has no accountability! HA! Jokes on you, internet. Pssh, you think you are so high and mighty but you are just as full of inanity as the rest of us! (I would never be inane.)

Well, to make up my last unfulfilled promise I shall make ANOTHER unfulfilled promise! Promises for everybody! Woo. I have decided to pick a single day of the week to always update on, weekly! Do I know which day? No. I don’t. Stop asking. YOU ARE SO NEEDY.  Expect either Tuesday, Thursday, or Sunday. Actually, don’t expect anything, and then you will never be disappointed and can go back to your empty, fruitless life infront of your computer as you dream about one day owning your own zucchini plantation. (Maybe that’s just me. Must be the asbestos.)

As penance for my sin I decided that I would shave my head and go live on a farm for 3 years. But I’m not going to do that, because that is a really extreme punishment for not updating a blog, and you people need to calm down. Seriously. Instead I’m going to lie some more. Actually, I’m going to expose my lies to the world! (The portion of it that reads this anyway.)

That guy is not me. It’s just a picture I found on the internet. Try googling “super hot sex-god looking away from camera in a sharp vest that makes him trim and masculine at the same time and makes all the ladies say ‘ahhhh’ yet also denotes his superior intelligence and wit and has a sensitive face that knows what you are feeling and makes you feel comfortable just being yourself” and you’ll find just that picture! (Maybe)

There is no such thing as hats. They don’t exist. They are just an illusion propagated by the French-Canadians. Never trust a French-Canadian who is (apparently) wearing a hat.

ODSGJ actually does stand for something, I’m just not going to tell you what. It’s a secret. It adds to they mystery. I know you like ’em mysterious…

I’m not actually single. In fact, I have 30 girlfriends, who are all ok with me sleeping with 29 other people. And they all look like this:

I have no idea how to properly insert images into this blog, and cannot predict what the published post will look like. Probably weird. I should learn HTML.

I’m not going to.

The president is actually a blow up sex doll. That’s why Hilary was so upset when she lost. It was her doll after all!

I was never an adventurer like you, but I could have been, ’till I faked taking an arrow to the knee.

All your base are not belong to us. Sorry for the confusion.

Memes are not, in fact, funny. Now in light of that let’s sit back and watch the internet crumble. To ashes, Rome!

Finding 5 dollars at the end of stories actually does make them better. (And then I found 5 dollars)

All of your cellphone calls are being listened in on by Bill Murray. Yes, Bill Murray indeed. He is disappointed in you, Robert.

You were the 1,000,000th visitor, and you missed out on that trip to Hawaii. They were just going to GIVE it to you!

White chocolate is the only chocolate. Everything else has just been out too long. Don’t eat it. EW.

The sky is not blue. The sky is clear, obviously. It’s space that’s blue. The sun illuminates it. At night it’s dark so it looks black. Space is not a vacuum, but a big velvet sphere wrapped around the world, and stars are just holes that have been poked in it. As far as you know. 

I have three legs but no fingers. Typing is hard.

Right now you are looking a dense grouping of different colored lights and you are getting information from it that reminds you of molecules slamming into membranes inside of your head. And that means something to you. I think you should see a doctor.

Well, that’s all the truth-telling I can handle at the moment, considering that I am a pathological liar, which means I lie to pathogens. Always trying to get me, those pathogens. (Germs, pathogens are germs) Actually I think I’m allergic to truth. It makes uncomfortable, mostly because certain parts of my body have broken out in hives (feet). I hope you’re happy, making me do something like this, in public. Bastards.

As you all know, I have no problems. Mostly because I rarely leave my room, or experience social activities. (What are parties? Why do people keep talking about them when they can never seem to remember them? They sound awful) The closest thing I did the past week to a social outing was to go to dinner. On Valentines Day. With Ryan. You all may know Ryan, I’ve mentioned him before. His life is very difficult, mostly because he routinely makes bad decisions. Such as going out to dinner on Valentine’s Day with a man. A man’s man like myself. (Not a man’s man, cause would that be a man who likes men? Woman’s man then.) That brings me to a new segment called:

RYAN’S PROBLEMS


The first of his problems is that he doesn’t want his problem’s shared on the internet. Who wouldn’t want that? Only the best people are on the internet, they are all so nice and supportive of each other. However, because I’m not a terrible friend I must respect his wishes to the extent that I can deny everything because I am being vague. This will be good for him, I just know it. See, when it comes to Ryan’s problems I find myself coming up with brilliant tidbits of wisdom that need to be shared with the world. What a source of inspiration that guy is.

Always be honest with people, except when they ask you to be honest with them.

Because when they ask you to be honest they actually want you to lie, under the pretense of being honest which makes it an even worse lie. But its for their own good. Now, you might be thinking to yourself “Well this blog is somewhat satirical, how do I know that you are telling the truth?” but I’m here to tell you that there is no satire on this blog. All serious, all the time. Comfort people, people! You’re all terrible.

Sincerely, Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

Also

Smile, it’ll make you happier, because it will piss other people off.