Without you, the internet as we know it would not exist. And no, I’m not speaking of those who spend time in front of webcams disrobed; no this is for those of you who leave your webcam on until you absentmindedly do something completely embarrassing. Then post it to YouTube. You sir, are a hero.
There are many people I would like to toast, and know I’m toasting with a glass full of tequila, cinnamon, and Snapple. Here’s to you, all you people who let yourselves be recorded when you most certainly should have thought better of it. You, my good people, are special, and your glory will last forever, online. May the servers of YouTube last forever!
The first of you to be toasted are those who apparently leave their webcams on twenty-four seven, all day, all night, recording everything that might just happen. You are of a unique breed, for you do more than simply record yourself surfing the webspace, but as you do you put on the performances of your lives. Some may call your antics “boring”, “lame” or “hugely embarrassing” but I think they are wonderful. Truly magnificent. But what really sets you apart from the unwashed masses is your ability to make that decision to upload that snippet of you scratching yourself while humming along to the latest anime theme song in your underwear. It brings tears to my eyes, even on my 58th view.
Bros, I toast you as well. You grown boys who not only want to do something stupid and dangerous, but demand that it be captured on video so that history will remember your glory for all time. You don’t care that you have a 99% chance of failing; it’s that 1% that is so tantalizing. You are the few who believe that the wonder of going off that bike jump onto the trampoline to flip into the dumpster floating in that lake is worth the incredible risk of death. With a keen understanding of how legend begins, you attempt that glorious stunt. You fail, of course, but the mere fact that you tried is emblazoned in the almighty cloud for all time.
Finally, I must say thanks to you, compulsive videographers of the every little minutia of life. You go through the most hardship of them all, as you see life through a camcorder. Literally. Everything you see is tiny, off-color, and in poor resolution yet you soldier on, with the determination that only comes with a minimal chance of success. For you, it’s always recording, because you never know when something purely amazing will happen. Every night you re-live your day, every triumph is two-fold, and every downfall doubly depressing. It is a hard life to live, yet a necessary one. How else would we get to see that guy walk into a pole, trip into the street, and get hit by clown on a unicycle? That cannot be staged, and has only been immortalized through your valiant and steadfast commitment to recording absolutely everything.
So here’s to you, you great men and women, the backbone of all that is interconnected with fiber optics and web. You not only defied all odds, but you defied all those people who told you “You shouldn’t do that. It’s a terrible idea. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life, because that’s there forever. Nothing is ever deleted on the internet man. You don’t want anything mortifying on there.” You rightly ignored them, and for that you live forever, and stand the testament of time.
Thank you for letting us laugh at your expense, drink up.
A loving stranger passing in the night