YouTube Captions Feature

I may just be really late on this, but have you ever used YouTube’s caption feature? I’m not quite sure how it works, but it seems like an automated system that tries to “guess” what is being said in the video. Needless to say, it will make any video hilarious. Like this one for example.

PS – I still don’t know if there will be a post before next Wednesday, if there is it will be small so be patient!

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From the Diary of: The Other Guy

The untold story of every romantic comedy.

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03/27/10 – I saw this girl today, and man she was beautiful! Could have been the prettiest girl I have ever seen. Then, the weirdest thing happened, she tripped into someone, knocked down the statue we have in our lobby, which busted a hole in the wall, and we could see right into Jim’s office! Isn’t she great? Anyway, I better play it cool, but if only there was some way I could talk to her…

03/30/10 – Greg is totally pissing me off with this project. “No, you talk to the Koreans, they’re scary.” Dammit Greg, you’re the one who speaks Korean. He really needs to grab his plunger and get this job done. I saw that girl again; I think she was looking at me! Of course, I know this because I was staring at her… man, I hope she didn’t notice. She seemed really flustered… I wonder if everything is ok.

04/03/10 – So now the Koreans have announced a merger with the Bolivians, which means our lawyers need to re-divvy the laser tag teams, but what’s really important is that Samantha, or shall I say Sam 😉 was alone with me in the elevator today. I finally found out her name! She is great, but I played it cool, I didn’t want to freak her out or come on to strong. I didn’t ask her out, even though I really wanted to. I might have screwed up though, because she was in such a hurry to get off the elevator that she forgot the doors have a delay, and ran right into them. Then, she got off on the wrong floor! This girl is amazing.

04/05/10 – Today, I bit the bullet and went to talk to Sam at her desk. I was so nervous that I could only stay for about 5 minutes, but it was worth it. She is so beautiful I can barely breathe when I look at her. Ok, that sounds a little um gay? Can I call it gay? Anyway, she is SO clumsy. She must’ve knocked over five things while talking to me. So perfect. I just need to keep reminding myself to stay cool…

04/22/10 – Whew, crisis averted. Man, if I had a quarter every time our corporation is threatened with an international incident… poor Greg. The doctors say they can reattach it though so it should be fine. So I have started hanging out with Sam more, you know taking it slow, keepin chill, like I do. I noticed she hangs out with this guy Ryan a lot, I think there might be something between them… And this guy, I mean come on, classic good looks, with out being inaccessible. You know, super attractive yet also super approachable. Douche. I asked Sam and she insisted they were just friends, but you never know… maybe I should make my move.

04/25/10 – SAM SAID YES!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHH!!!! I did it! I asked her out on a date and SHE SAID YESSSSSSSSSSSS! Ah, this is the happiest day of my life! We are going to dinner on Friday and…. Oh crap, I never established how fancy to dress. Oh god oh god oh god. Ok, I’ll figure it out later, I have a couple days, maybe I can make it work. Also, firm got pillaged by Nordic Barbarians today. I really need to talk to Steve.

04/27/10 – Shit. Shit shit shit. I thought our date was going pretty well, despite the face that I came way underdressed. I mean, I went for slightly above casual and she shows up in a ball gown! I almost left in shame, but after that the date went well! She only spilled three times. Until of course she goes to the bathroom and five minutes later it’s on fire, flooding, and she is chased out by a midget. Ok, yes that does make her possibly the most interesting girl on earth, but it still sucks to get run out on… I don’t know. Maybe she didn’t actually want to leave… That’s it, I’ve decided that she’s worth it to try again.

04/30/10 – So Sam showed up today wearing a nurse’s uniform! Hilarious right? Anyway I asked her on another date and she said yes again! This time I will do it right. Full on romantics. Take her to a movie at the nice theater, then back to my place for a candle lit home cooked feast, and finally an all night monster movie marathon. Yes, you may be impressed.

05/01/10 – Frustrating day at work! First Steve was late on the conference call, which was only at 5:00am so there was no reason, and then, at lunch, he sat with Mark! Can you believe it? Steve, and Mark? Now what am I going to do when I need a satellite hijacked?

05/04/10 – UM WHAT? So, the date was going AWESOME, and I was totally making Sam laugh. We got back to my place and dinner was great so we were just talking and the moment just felt right. I went for it. I kissed her, and let me point out that she kissed me back! This kiss was great, and for a moment I thought that she might be the one. You know, the ONE. That is until we stopped kissing, and she whispered in a weird way, “This isn’t right, I’m meant to be with someone else!” and literally ran out the door. For a while I stood in shock, because it was just so sudden and weird, and then, I don’t know I just kind of lost it. Ok, I’ll admit it, I cried, only a little though. It’s just, I thought it was going so well! I was so close to maybe having a real relationship again and poof! It’s just not fair! I did everything right! I guess it was naïve of me to think Sam would be into a guy like me. She’s just way out of my league. I may have drank the entire bottle of wine.

05/12/10 – RYAN? She’s with Ryan now???? I saw it, I saw them at corner, sucking on each other’s faces like baboons. Ryan? Did it have to be Ryan? Of course it did, I knew all along. Why is life so cruel? I thought when she quit the pain would stop but it didn’t I’m a wreck. And come on, Ryan? He isn’t that handsome is he? I hope at least she’s happy…

05/25/10 –Well work was nice and horrible. Let’s just say that I caused the downfall of the wrong government. It’s a miracle I wasn’t fired, although I’ll be hearing about this from John for the rest of my life. What a prick. I hate John. Oh well that’s what I get for drinking at work.

06/03/10 – I miss Sam so much. I know we really didn’t have mush of a relationship but she was the only reason I got up int the mornnnig! I’ve beeeen hangins out at the bar a lot recentley may have had tooo mcuh to dirnk.

06/13/10 – Beer is my only friend. All I have. Lonely. So lonely. I drink away my sorrows.

06/29/10 – Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Sam. Ssssssssssssssssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

08/07/10 – Ok, soI had a rough summer. Thank God I have Steve and Jim. Who knows what might have happened had they not been there to peel me off the floor and force me to get over her? They even got me my job back! What great guys. I’m never going to let myself get that wrapped up in some girl again.

11/14/10 – So there’s this new girl at the office, and on her first day she knocked down the Russian prime minister!

Sincerely,

True Story.

The Exorcism of a Blogger

Awkward happens. In strange, often mysterious ways. Usually the lights are out. Or they are on, which is even worse. The potential for accidentally stumbling into a room full of awkward jello rises exponentially when one is living with another person. If you have never co-habited with another human being, look at one of your cats. He is probably licking himself while sitting on a pile of your clothes. Now imagine that is person. Keep in mind cats don’t wear clothes. If you still can’t understand the social implications of this situation, and also your entire face is numb, that’s good. It means your pills are working. Try typing with your forehead. No no, you have to smack the keyboard as hard as you can if you want the words to make sense.

The reason that you are so much more likely to encounter a wild awkward probably nude moment when you are living with someone else is because you have access to their “private time”. So when they are dancing to the aTeens in their underpants and swinging around a kettle, you have the ability to just unlock that door and walk in. It’s even worse when you share a room. Then, if you want to do something, say sleep, you have to try to ignore their fashion show set to Metallica, which strangely doesn’t involve any clothing. I guess it’s imaginary. I just so happen to live in the same room as another person. We like to call it this cool word we made up, “dormroom”. What a funny, yet subtly evil word we have created.

Dormroom, means a tiny little box in which you are supposed to live for eight months. It contains your bed, your desk, television, food, bathroom, and ceiling. Everything you have or would ever need is in this square niche. What already sounds like some depraved psychological experiment, about how quickly one can go insane, is complicated by the addition of another organism into your dormroom. Not just any organism, but another human being. Now instead of unethical, yet still scientific, psychologists performing the experiment, it’s two six year olds who want to see which will kill the other first. I sleep with a knife in my pants. A least, that what I have to tell him, otherwise the mornings would be really uncomfortable for the both of us. It is quite odd living with a stranger. I rarely speak to him, mostly I just observe him from my corner of the room, taking notes on his mannerisms in case I detect a change in behavior, so I can finish him off before he turns zombie. He comes and goes like the wind, and makes a point to move anything I left out. To anyone else it would be unnoticeable, but I KNOW HE TOUCHED MY THINGS!  Regardless, I barely know this person, although I am pretty sure that he is part ghost. Not all ghost of course. That would be ridiculous. My point is:

I was exorcised by my roommate.

Also some of his friends. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s what happened. However, before I can explain that, I need to cover some history.

I was born in the winter of ’93, it was a cold one, and I remember it well. While the snow gusted about in drifts outside my home, I was exploring this new world full of lights and sounds with these cool organs I didn’t even know I had before. I’ll call them eyes. The view got pretty boring quick though, because I wasn’t able to move my head. What a drag. I had to wait for the giants to come and move me so that I could look at something interesting again. Then I would scream, because colors are fucking scary. I mean seriously, there I was, enjoy a nice beige wall when BAM! A deluge of primary colors is spinning in front of my face and they look like they are going to HIT me, which will HURT. When I’m done screaming, I realize colors are awesome, and giggle while I poop myself. Those were the days. Unbeknownst to me; however, a demon had snuck it’s way into my soul, taking advantage of my blissful days of complex interactions with colors.

The demon stayed in my soul for years, lasting through elementary school, explaining middle school, and making me popular in high school. I never knew it existed, probably because I didn’t want to know. Losing it would be like losing a part of myself, not matter how horribly evil. I found out about its existence because of my dear old roommate. I would like to say it was from my roomie, but sadly he did not tell me himself. Probably because he got all choked up every time he tried. Or not. What he did do was tell all of his friends about my possession. I think they were all jealous. Needless to say, I eventually discovered his findings through the wiretap that I had, like all good roommates, placed on his phone. The news hit me like an empty pillowcase, and I promptly forgot about. Possibly due to massive head trauma. While the rumor kept coming back to me through my spy network, I never paid it much heed, that is, until the other night.

I needed to get into my room. Clothes lay in my drawer that I need to wear, because the clothes currently worn by my body, while the fit in a flattering fashion, did not meet the dress requirements of the even I wanted to attend. A pajama/star wars costume party. For some people, it’s the same thing. When I arrived at my door, I had to take pause. Incredibly loud Christian music thudded through the door of my dormroom, astoundingly drowning out the rumbling bassline of the incessant rap next door. As I pressed my ear to the door I heard my roommate, preaching loudly and with conviction, yelling to whom I could only assume were the members of his bible study. I considered entering when I heard him announce that he was going to speak in tongues, and that God should be so kind as to provide an interpreter. I hesitated to enter, lest they decide that I happened to be that interpreter. Not even having taken beginning tongues, I wisely waited in the hallway, watching the time tick away.

Twenty minutes later I got bored. So I decided to go into my room anyway, regardless of the odd, hoarse chanting emanating from it’s depths. Nothing could have prepared me for what I found. No, it wasn’t a pentagram with a hideous pelican monster inside, just a bunch of football players lying prostrate while my roommate touched all of them. Now I understand all the confusion with those Catholic priests. Come on kids, he only touched you there because he was praying. The sight of this froze me in my tracks. I decided to curl up in a ball, and hope that in the darkness they would fail to notice me.

Unsurprisingly, this plan worked. I bided my time in the fetal position until I saw one of the huge men stand up, and exit the room. I saw an opening in the ensuing confusion and made a dash for my clothes. I never made it. Before I could so much as snag a pair of Jar Jar underpants, the bible study surrounded me, my roommate at the head. He asked if he could pray for me. Being the polite gentleman I am, I agreed, dumbfounded, as I considered my predicament, cowering in the middle of a ring of people much larger than me. I peed a little. Or a lot. I can’t remember. They put their hands on me, and started to chant.

It started quietly, and then slowly built. At first it was all gibberish, because they never had found that interpreter. Luckily for me, they switched to English about ten minutes in. If my pants were not yet soiled, they sure as hell were now. There were praying to REMOVE A DEMON FROM MY SOUL. My thoughts flashed immediately back to all those rumors I had heard. Why hadn’t I taken them seriously?!? THERE WERE EVIL THINGS INSIDE ME. I freaked out for a good half an hour. My eyes might have rolled back into my head. But I know for a fact I only spun my head around one time. So not even a big deal. At the end there was this horrendous ripping noise, the power went out on the block, and a huge red velociraptor crawled out of my throat. Rather anticlimactic really.

 

Sincerely,

No, no, this is my OLD roommate! I would never write about someone I am currently living with on the internet! Talk about unprofessional.

Porn is the best!

I would like to begin this post by informing my readers that no, there will not be any pictures included in this post. That just wouldn’t be classy, and I’m better than that. However, I’m not better than writing a post about porn. The problem with porn is that everyone talks about it. Usually they talk about how terrible it is while they hypocritically wank one off. Either that our porn sites themselves are talking about how great it is! Really, it’s not even so bad. Better than rape. Just think of how many rapes are avoided because rapists just look at porn instead of sulking around an alleyway. Porn is probably the greatest rape deterrent ever invented! And it’s not just for guys, girls can get into it too. In a way, porn exemplifies the internet as a whole: a place where people can find things that they wouldn’t want anyone else to know about, then they talk to strangers about it. Have you ever been to a porn chatroom? Me neither, but the fact that they exist is enough to give me ideas. My point is that porn is overdone, and everyone just needs to move on. I’m tired of writers just using it as an easy source of comedy. Let’s face it, porn has become cliché. I’m sorry hipsters, but not even text-based porn is indie enough anymore. You really just need to stop.

Now that I’ve finished putting porn as an industry to rest (because I have that power) it’s time to talk about my life. I’m back at school! Yay. School is the best. This means one of two things, either I will be so bored that I will stop blogging with any semblance or consistency, or I will be back to posting every single day multiple times. Neither of those is preferable I guess, but I really doubt that I am able to keep anything like a reasonable schedule. So bear with me. I promise that I will keep posting at least once a week. That I can kinda promise. Maybe. We’ll see how the semester goes. What you should know is that I love blogging, and so it is very likely that I keep this up. I really need to stop posting super long posts, because then people might start to think that’s regular. Well it’s not, stupid. Maybe when I actually have something to talk about. Who. Knows.

I feel like I’ve been talking about myself too much, so here’s a little content for you people who hold me to a standard for some odd reason. (you jerks). I think that everything needs to be funny. If something is considered too taboo to be in a joke, how are we supposed to talk about it in a serious sense? Besides, most of the things that people are supposedly not supposed to joke about are the most hilarious things! Like suicide. Suicide is super funny. Why is suicide funny? Because of how ridiculous it is! Over reactions are funny, and suicide is the ultimate overreaction. It makes me laugh just thinking about it! Try to see someone’s logic when they decide to commit suicide, you just can’t! “Oh no I lost my favorite pencil/9 puppies died! Well I guess the solution is to kill myself so someone else can deal with this.” It makes no sense, and that is why it is so fucking hilarious. (If this doesn’t get me hate mail, I don’t know what will.)

Sincerely,

If you think about it, you know I’m right.