I’m fulfilling my irony quota by saying things that have never been said while pointing out they’ve never been said. It’s a shame they’ve all been said now. What a worthless list.
I do not support cancer victims.
I don’t like pain pills
Me and Kony are best friends!
Babies and shake-weights are basically the same
Meth is fine if you just do it once
That homeless man smells fantastic
I fill my briefcase with urine, every single morning!
I like getting up early!
Having herpes is fun!
Tuesday is my favorite day
Yes, I’d love to drive you to the airport
Arms? Who needs them?
Caffeine keeps me up late!
I have below average intelligence
Rock Paper Scissors is a game that makes sense
That tornado was cool, but it needs more sharks
My favorite animal is the daffodil
Gay marriage? I have no opinion!
I would love to spend the day with middle-school children!
The pedophile look is in
Too short; didn’t read
I wish this bus/train/plane would take longer to get here!
Clowns are great!
Wow, it was exactly what time I thought it was!
I really enjoyed that colonoscopy
You have an impressive collection of STDs/stamps
This room would be better without any windows
Ugh, going on a vacation right now would be so annoying
Man, I just hate being relaxed
This tastes like crap, in a good way
Bleeding is how I express myself
That John Mayer song gets me so pumped!
I like my salads without croutons
Learning to ride a Velociraptor is not one of my life goals
Professional Velociraptor rider.