My Run Today

I went for a run today. I really would appreciate it if you weren’t so surprised. I actually run a lot. Jerks. Anyway it was getting dark, and when it’s dark its possible to see into people’s houses when the lights are on. Normally you’d see a nice family dinner, or a classy threesome. Not today. Today, I got to see Bob’s Big Boy. Staring at me. Through the window. At that moment I smelled something completely awful. But that was probably me.

On an unrelated note, while fatalism is a belief in fate, I always read it first as a belief that you are going to die. We should all probably be fatalists in that case. Time to come to terms with our morality gents.

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Missed Connections

Waitress at Applebees

I can’t forget your brown hair in that perfect ponytail, or your big brown eyes placed perfectly on your overworked face. You probably don’t remember me. I was the one who mispronounced burger. I accidently made it sound like Aye-luh-view. My mistake. But you can’t have forgotten how I gazed into your eyes for five minutes as you waited to take my order.

* * *

Girl in front of me in line at Starbucks

We never spoke. I don’t even know what you look like. But when I heard you make the daring decision of ordering a tall black coffee, I knew that you were the one for me. So bold. Sexy.Unfortunately by the time I finished explaining how to make a latte both iced and hot at the same time you had gone.

* * *

Sitting at Café

This was a long time ago. You were sitting outside of a small café, reading Faulkner. Near or on 4th street. It’s been years, but I know there was something there. Our eyes met, if just for a second, as I knocked your table over when the police tackled me.

* * *

Dark Alleyway

When I was mugging you that night, I simply couldn’t get over how beautiful you were. Long golden hair, pouty lips. If I wasn’t so nervous about being seen I would have asked for your number, alas I was in a hurry. Lets get dinner sometime.

* * *

Man at Target

You are truly the most beautiful man I have ever seen. I don’t want to come on too strong, but its true. Don’t worry, I’m not creepy. You were with someone at the time, but once you see these photos I took of you on my iPhone, in which I have photoshopped my face on to hers, you will see how cute of couple we are. Text me. Or whatever.

* * *

Man in Car

I was crossing the street, and you drove by. It was only a split seconded but I knew you were the one. I know you remember me. You have to! Our connection was so strong. Also, you ran that red light.

* * *

In Crowded Place

It was after the game when everyone was trying to leave and it was crowded. Gate 7. Section PP. I was in the midst of the crowd when I felt someone pressed up against me from behind. I didn’t get the chance to see your face, but I have to feel your body again. I was wearing the red cap.

Sincerely,

Sitting Behind You

The Perfect Political Canidate

Hello, my name is Non-threatening-old-white-man. I have an easy smile, you’d like it. I’m very rich, but don’t worry, I’ll use my wealth to make you feel secure, without flaunting it. I’m safe, and I think you’ll like my political stance.

First and foremost I am anti-murder. I promise to hold a strong anti-murder stance. I do not, and will never approve of murder. Vote me.

While I am anti-murder, I am pro-puppies. Yes, just like American, middle and working class families I am for puppies. I think puppies are good for this country, and I believe puppies will make this country strong. A vote for me is a vote for puppies.

I am against slavery. All people were created equal, and shouldn’t be slaves. I’m not saying that my opponent wants to enslave all peoples of the Earth, but know that if you vote for me, he will not get the chance. I promise.

Sunshine is good. It benefits the people of this planet. If I am elected I will do everything in my power to make sure the sun keeps shining.

Rape is bad. No rape.

I am against hostile take over from alien forces. Now, I do not foresee this event occurring, and will not spend any money in building bunkers for anyone but myself. Just know that if that is ever on the table, I am not for alien rule.

Happiness is iffy. Not sure how I feel about happiness. But I do know that my opponent allegedly hates it. Hates happiness. What a monster.

Disease is a controversial subject for my opponent. Not me. While he might be getting all buddy buddy with his ‘cancer’ I am not, have never, and will never fraternize with a deadly illness.

I am a firm believer that coffee is fantastic.

I don’t believe that children should be fed to wolves. Some people criticize me for this stance, but I am firm and will not back down.

Literacy. I’m big on literacy. But I am not willing to denounce illiteracy. I’m no extremist.

Every morning I wake up and say ‘No!’ to drugs. I keep meth on my beside table just so it can hear me.

But my most important political stance is this: I should be president. Just remember my campaign slogan: “A Vote for Me, is a Vote for Me”

Thank you.

Sincerely,

A man with a pleasing smile. Pleasing.

Moving In

At the moment I am moving into my apartment.

Seriously, right this second.

I actually set down a box of crap, opened my computer and started typing.

Now my Dad is yelling at me, he’s helping me move you see.

His face is red.

I’m ignoring him, but that might not be a good strategy exactly.

Now he’s throwing things.

I needed that.

Sincerely,

Boom. Procrastinated.

Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta

META!

This is a meta blog post. Why is it meta? Because it is a blog post about a blog post. Specifically this blog post, by this I mean the one titled Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta. It’s also a blog post not just about itself, but about writing a blog post, itself. This blog post is about writing itself. But it isn’t writing itself. I am. Writing it.

I am writing a blog post about writing a blog post, specifically the post I am writing, which is about writing itself, even though actually I am writing it. Except even though I am writing it in the present if you (the reader) are reading it in the future then I am writing in the past. In order for me to be in the past the future has to be the present, but the present is now which we’ve already decided is the past. So in the future you are reading in the present something I wrote in the past, which is the present. Because it is the present presently, although it’s the past. Of course everything I’ve written previous to this sentence is already in the past, so don’t worry about it. In fact this sentence is itself the present at the exact moment it is written which is now, this moment. But not the moment you read it, the moment I type it. From here on out it is the future. Is it nice there?

The lesson is that I am writing directly to you from the past to the future, although neither is past or future because they are both the present at the time they matter and therefore there is no past or future only the present at all times. Either that or get rid of the present. Apparently past present future is, or was will be have been a sham.

Which means that I have turned you into a time traveller. As the reader you are reading from my perspective, which is the present past, but you exist in the present present/ slash the future to my present past. You are experiencing a present that is a present in the past because it already happened by the time you are reading it, because you are reading it in the future which for you is the present. But for you through me you are in the future. To summarize, you have travelled to the past and future simultaneously, and found the present in both places.

Writing this post in the present past requires thinking, so I am presently thinking about writing a post that is about writing itself even though I am/ have written it. The act which I just committed, even though it technically exists in the future portion of this post, already occurred at the present in the past, means that this blog post is about writing a blog post which is this one which is about thinking about writing a blog post about writing itself, one of the topics in the blog post is thinking about writing a blog post about writing a blog post which is this one, the one about writing a blog post etc. It goes on forever.

An infinite loop cannot actually exist in a finite universe, yet the loop is infinite and has nothing to do with time and was written in the future present past so that it could be read in the future future present which will soon become the future future past. That last sentence’s having been read is there now. But only to you, future present man, not me, past present fiend. Regardless, this post cannot exist in the world, and therefore, does not.

Except you are reading it.

And I am definitely writing it.

So it must exist.

But it can’t.

Time travel paradox explained.

Considering that I am writing this sentence right now, and you are reading this sentence right now, yet you haven’t read this sentence yet even though you are reading it presently it is the future for the present is when I am writing it which is the past which is happening simultaneously to you reading it.

In conclusion, time is broken I think. Someone should fix that.

Sincerely,

If no one reads this most of my points are moot. In the present past future past.