No Post? Eh. Ok.

There will be no post this week. I have finals next week and am crunched for time. I hate disappointing everyone, so I’ve compiled a list of things to do while not reading my blog.

1. Learn to ride a velociraptor.

It’s an extensive list, I’ll admit, but I’m eager to hear about everyone’s experiences.

Sincerely,
Get the hint already.

P.S. One of the recommended tags for this post is “Hate Crimes”. Apparently this post has racist subtext. Please do not commit any hate crimes. Only commit love crimes. Thank you.

List: Said No One, Ever

I’m fulfilling my irony quota by saying things that have never been said while pointing out they’ve never been said. It’s a shame they’ve all been said now. What a worthless list.

I do not support cancer victims.

I don’t like pain pills

Me and Kony are best friends!

Babies and shake-weights are basically the same

Meth is fine if you just do it once

That homeless man smells fantastic

I fill my briefcase with urine, every single morning!

I like getting up early!

Having herpes is fun!

Tuesday is my favorite day

Yes, I’d love to drive you to the airport

Arms? Who needs them?

Caffeine keeps me up late!

I have below average intelligence

Rock Paper Scissors is a game that makes sense

That tornado was cool, but it needs more sharks

My favorite animal is the daffodil

Gay marriage? I have no opinion!

I would love to spend the day with middle-school children!

The pedophile look is in

Too short; didn’t read

I wish this bus/train/plane would take longer to get here!

Clowns are great!

Wow, it was exactly what time I thought it was!

I really enjoyed that colonoscopy

You have an impressive collection of STDs/stamps

This room would be better without any windows

Ugh, going on a vacation right now would be so annoying

Man, I just hate being relaxed

This tastes like crap, in a good way

Bleeding is how I express myself

That John Mayer song gets me so pumped!

I like my salads without croutons

Learning to ride a Velociraptor is not one of my life goals

Sincerely,

Professional Velociraptor rider.

Missed Connections

Waitress at Applebees

I can’t forget your brown hair in that perfect ponytail, or your big brown eyes placed perfectly on your overworked face. You probably don’t remember me. I was the one who mispronounced burger. I accidently made it sound like Aye-luh-view. My mistake. But you can’t have forgotten how I gazed into your eyes for five minutes as you waited to take my order.

* * *

Girl in front of me in line at Starbucks

We never spoke. I don’t even know what you look like. But when I heard you make the daring decision of ordering a tall black coffee, I knew that you were the one for me. So bold. Sexy.Unfortunately by the time I finished explaining how to make a latte both iced and hot at the same time you had gone.

* * *

Sitting at Café

This was a long time ago. You were sitting outside of a small café, reading Faulkner. Near or on 4th street. It’s been years, but I know there was something there. Our eyes met, if just for a second, as I knocked your table over when the police tackled me.

* * *

Dark Alleyway

When I was mugging you that night, I simply couldn’t get over how beautiful you were. Long golden hair, pouty lips. If I wasn’t so nervous about being seen I would have asked for your number, alas I was in a hurry. Lets get dinner sometime.

* * *

Man at Target

You are truly the most beautiful man I have ever seen. I don’t want to come on too strong, but its true. Don’t worry, I’m not creepy. You were with someone at the time, but once you see these photos I took of you on my iPhone, in which I have photoshopped my face on to hers, you will see how cute of couple we are. Text me. Or whatever.

* * *

Man in Car

I was crossing the street, and you drove by. It was only a split seconded but I knew you were the one. I know you remember me. You have to! Our connection was so strong. Also, you ran that red light.

* * *

In Crowded Place

It was after the game when everyone was trying to leave and it was crowded. Gate 7. Section PP. I was in the midst of the crowd when I felt someone pressed up against me from behind. I didn’t get the chance to see your face, but I have to feel your body again. I was wearing the red cap.

Sincerely,

Sitting Behind You

The Perfect Political Canidate

Hello, my name is Non-threatening-old-white-man. I have an easy smile, you’d like it. I’m very rich, but don’t worry, I’ll use my wealth to make you feel secure, without flaunting it. I’m safe, and I think you’ll like my political stance.

First and foremost I am anti-murder. I promise to hold a strong anti-murder stance. I do not, and will never approve of murder. Vote me.

While I am anti-murder, I am pro-puppies. Yes, just like American, middle and working class families I am for puppies. I think puppies are good for this country, and I believe puppies will make this country strong. A vote for me is a vote for puppies.

I am against slavery. All people were created equal, and shouldn’t be slaves. I’m not saying that my opponent wants to enslave all peoples of the Earth, but know that if you vote for me, he will not get the chance. I promise.

Sunshine is good. It benefits the people of this planet. If I am elected I will do everything in my power to make sure the sun keeps shining.

Rape is bad. No rape.

I am against hostile take over from alien forces. Now, I do not foresee this event occurring, and will not spend any money in building bunkers for anyone but myself. Just know that if that is ever on the table, I am not for alien rule.

Happiness is iffy. Not sure how I feel about happiness. But I do know that my opponent allegedly hates it. Hates happiness. What a monster.

Disease is a controversial subject for my opponent. Not me. While he might be getting all buddy buddy with his ‘cancer’ I am not, have never, and will never fraternize with a deadly illness.

I am a firm believer that coffee is fantastic.

I don’t believe that children should be fed to wolves. Some people criticize me for this stance, but I am firm and will not back down.

Literacy. I’m big on literacy. But I am not willing to denounce illiteracy. I’m no extremist.

Every morning I wake up and say ‘No!’ to drugs. I keep meth on my beside table just so it can hear me.

But my most important political stance is this: I should be president. Just remember my campaign slogan: “A Vote for Me, is a Vote for Me”

Thank you.

Sincerely,

A man with a pleasing smile. Pleasing.

Moving In

At the moment I am moving into my apartment.

Seriously, right this second.

I actually set down a box of crap, opened my computer and started typing.

Now my Dad is yelling at me, he’s helping me move you see.

His face is red.

I’m ignoring him, but that might not be a good strategy exactly.

Now he’s throwing things.

I needed that.

Sincerely,

Boom. Procrastinated.