My Excuse

Man, I have just been so busy with my crazy social life. Let me just say I have infinitely times more friends now than I did before. Laugh math minions!

Unrelated, I started a vlog that is also sarcastic. But in a way that only makes sense when spoken. I hope. It’s a little more autobiographical than this. Maybe you appreciate that. Maybe you don’t exist.

Also unrelated, I had a thought the other day.

We humans believe that we have surpassed natural selection. That’s not true. We keep getting taller because we find tall people sexy. There is an obvious facet of this, that has some serious ramifications.

People who want to have sex more, have more sex.

It’s all so clear! But that means we as a population are selecting for sexual desire.

So each generation is collectively hornier than they one before.

No wonder your grandfather finds you disgusting.

Sincerely,

Science.

Advertisements

No Post? Eh. Ok.

There will be no post this week. I have finals next week and am crunched for time. I hate disappointing everyone, so I’ve compiled a list of things to do while not reading my blog.

1. Learn to ride a velociraptor.

It’s an extensive list, I’ll admit, but I’m eager to hear about everyone’s experiences.

Sincerely,
Get the hint already.

P.S. One of the recommended tags for this post is “Hate Crimes”. Apparently this post has racist subtext. Please do not commit any hate crimes. Only commit love crimes. Thank you.

The World Is Out To Get Me

A post? On a Thursday night? What. Makes no sense. None. It seems that I am trying to augment my standard fare of lengthy with shorter more bloggy lies to fill the space in between. No clever header pictures for these, it’d ruin everything. Now for a story that is completely true.

I attempted to order coffee from the school’s coffee shop. Yes. Read that again. Look upon my shame. Not only did I have the gall to order coffee from a coffee shop, I asked for it hot. Understandably the barista gave me such a dirty look that I left tracks on my way out. It was well deserved. She patiently explained to me that, “something something can’t serve hot drinks something against policy something.” She mumbled and I was too embarrassed by my audacity to ask her to repeat. Also my fight or flight response had been activated and my brian was on lockdown. My atrocities committed, I hung my head and trudged off to the library.

When I got there I was compelled by the ghost of the first Ronald McDonald to share this story with my friend. Her quizzical look destroyed my self-esteem while communicating that my story was strange. She informed me that the coffee shop did indeed serve hot coffee, and to prove it, she went and got me hot coffee. I actually have hot coffee right now from the coffee shop. It’s the little things.

Reason #1 why the world is out to get me

Sincerely,

But I have such a friendly face!

List: Said No One, Ever

I’m fulfilling my irony quota by saying things that have never been said while pointing out they’ve never been said. It’s a shame they’ve all been said now. What a worthless list.

I do not support cancer victims.

I don’t like pain pills

Me and Kony are best friends!

Babies and shake-weights are basically the same

Meth is fine if you just do it once

That homeless man smells fantastic

I fill my briefcase with urine, every single morning!

I like getting up early!

Having herpes is fun!

Tuesday is my favorite day

Yes, I’d love to drive you to the airport

Arms? Who needs them?

Caffeine keeps me up late!

I have below average intelligence

Rock Paper Scissors is a game that makes sense

That tornado was cool, but it needs more sharks

My favorite animal is the daffodil

Gay marriage? I have no opinion!

I would love to spend the day with middle-school children!

The pedophile look is in

Too short; didn’t read

I wish this bus/train/plane would take longer to get here!

Clowns are great!

Wow, it was exactly what time I thought it was!

I really enjoyed that colonoscopy

You have an impressive collection of STDs/stamps

This room would be better without any windows

Ugh, going on a vacation right now would be so annoying

Man, I just hate being relaxed

This tastes like crap, in a good way

Bleeding is how I express myself

That John Mayer song gets me so pumped!

I like my salads without croutons

Learning to ride a Velociraptor is not one of my life goals

Sincerely,

Professional Velociraptor rider.

Missed Connections

Waitress at Applebees

I can’t forget your brown hair in that perfect ponytail, or your big brown eyes placed perfectly on your overworked face. You probably don’t remember me. I was the one who mispronounced burger. I accidently made it sound like Aye-luh-view. My mistake. But you can’t have forgotten how I gazed into your eyes for five minutes as you waited to take my order.

* * *

Girl in front of me in line at Starbucks

We never spoke. I don’t even know what you look like. But when I heard you make the daring decision of ordering a tall black coffee, I knew that you were the one for me. So bold. Sexy.Unfortunately by the time I finished explaining how to make a latte both iced and hot at the same time you had gone.

* * *

Sitting at Café

This was a long time ago. You were sitting outside of a small café, reading Faulkner. Near or on 4th street. It’s been years, but I know there was something there. Our eyes met, if just for a second, as I knocked your table over when the police tackled me.

* * *

Dark Alleyway

When I was mugging you that night, I simply couldn’t get over how beautiful you were. Long golden hair, pouty lips. If I wasn’t so nervous about being seen I would have asked for your number, alas I was in a hurry. Lets get dinner sometime.

* * *

Man at Target

You are truly the most beautiful man I have ever seen. I don’t want to come on too strong, but its true. Don’t worry, I’m not creepy. You were with someone at the time, but once you see these photos I took of you on my iPhone, in which I have photoshopped my face on to hers, you will see how cute of couple we are. Text me. Or whatever.

* * *

Man in Car

I was crossing the street, and you drove by. It was only a split seconded but I knew you were the one. I know you remember me. You have to! Our connection was so strong. Also, you ran that red light.

* * *

In Crowded Place

It was after the game when everyone was trying to leave and it was crowded. Gate 7. Section PP. I was in the midst of the crowd when I felt someone pressed up against me from behind. I didn’t get the chance to see your face, but I have to feel your body again. I was wearing the red cap.

Sincerely,

Sitting Behind You