No Post? Eh. Ok.

There will be no post this week. I have finals next week and am crunched for time. I hate disappointing everyone, so I’ve compiled a list of things to do while not reading my blog.

1. Learn to ride a velociraptor.

It’s an extensive list, I’ll admit, but I’m eager to hear about everyone’s experiences.

Get the hint already.

P.S. One of the recommended tags for this post is “Hate Crimes”. Apparently this post has racist subtext. Please do not commit any hate crimes. Only commit love crimes. Thank you.


List: Said No One, Ever

I’m fulfilling my irony quota by saying things that have never been said while pointing out they’ve never been said. It’s a shame they’ve all been said now. What a worthless list.

I do not support cancer victims.

I don’t like pain pills

Me and Kony are best friends!

Babies and shake-weights are basically the same

Meth is fine if you just do it once

That homeless man smells fantastic

I fill my briefcase with urine, every single morning!

I like getting up early!

Having herpes is fun!

Tuesday is my favorite day

Yes, I’d love to drive you to the airport

Arms? Who needs them?

Caffeine keeps me up late!

I have below average intelligence

Rock Paper Scissors is a game that makes sense

That tornado was cool, but it needs more sharks

My favorite animal is the daffodil

Gay marriage? I have no opinion!

I would love to spend the day with middle-school children!

The pedophile look is in

Too short; didn’t read

I wish this bus/train/plane would take longer to get here!

Clowns are great!

Wow, it was exactly what time I thought it was!

I really enjoyed that colonoscopy

You have an impressive collection of STDs/stamps

This room would be better without any windows

Ugh, going on a vacation right now would be so annoying

Man, I just hate being relaxed

This tastes like crap, in a good way

Bleeding is how I express myself

That John Mayer song gets me so pumped!

I like my salads without croutons

Learning to ride a Velociraptor is not one of my life goals


Professional Velociraptor rider.

Serious Matters are Serious.

I’m back! I fell off the face of the Earth a while ago, and just got back. I offer neither excuse nor explanation. Instead, I’m getting right back into blogging. With an absence that long, it’s basically starting over! This will be fun.

A new take on serious slogans.


* * *

Don’t do drugs. You’ll turn into that guy who always wants to borrow money. You say you’ll pay it back, but we all know you won’t. Because you have no teeth left.

Say no to drugs; say yes to the dress.

Stop breast cancer. We are tired of chopping off the only good things in this world.

Fight AIDS. With your fists. Fisting. It doesn’t transmit AIDS.

Not even once. Ok, maybe once, but certainly not twice. Ok ok, as long as you only do it occasionally.

Invisible children. Are hard to find. Need infrared.

Make Kony famous, and win him that record deal. He needs your votes, America.

Smoking kills. Slowly. Oh so slowly. Savoring it. Mmm.

Choose life. And while you aren’t killing yourself we’d like you not to kill anyone else either. Please?

Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. Right after cloning.

Race for the cure. Whoever gets there first gets to live.

Don’t drink and drive. You might kill someone who doesn’t hate themselves.

It’s what’s on the inside that counts. You know, cholesterol, carbs, calories, fat, and ice cream.

It’s your own fault. No way I’m going to take responsibility. Nuh uh.

Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. Revenge.

Animals are people too. People who don’t wear clothes and taste delicious.

Depression hurts. Suicide hurts worse. Don’t do it.



I apologize.