Hello, my name is Non-threatening-old-white-man. I have an easy smile, you’d like it. I’m very rich, but don’t worry, I’ll use my wealth to make you feel secure, without flaunting it. I’m safe, and I think you’ll like my political stance.
First and foremost I am anti-murder. I promise to hold a strong anti-murder stance. I do not, and will never approve of murder. Vote me.
While I am anti-murder, I am pro-puppies. Yes, just like American, middle and working class families I am for puppies. I think puppies are good for this country, and I believe puppies will make this country strong. A vote for me is a vote for puppies.
I am against slavery. All people were created equal, and shouldn’t be slaves. I’m not saying that my opponent wants to enslave all peoples of the Earth, but know that if you vote for me, he will not get the chance. I promise.
Sunshine is good. It benefits the people of this planet. If I am elected I will do everything in my power to make sure the sun keeps shining.
Rape is bad. No rape.
I am against hostile take over from alien forces. Now, I do not foresee this event occurring, and will not spend any money in building bunkers for anyone but myself. Just know that if that is ever on the table, I am not for alien rule.
Happiness is iffy. Not sure how I feel about happiness. But I do know that my opponent allegedly hates it. Hates happiness. What a monster.
Disease is a controversial subject for my opponent. Not me. While he might be getting all buddy buddy with his ‘cancer’ I am not, have never, and will never fraternize with a deadly illness.
I am a firm believer that coffee is fantastic.
I don’t believe that children should be fed to wolves. Some people criticize me for this stance, but I am firm and will not back down.
Literacy. I’m big on literacy. But I am not willing to denounce illiteracy. I’m no extremist.
Every morning I wake up and say ‘No!’ to drugs. I keep meth on my beside table just so it can hear me.
But my most important political stance is this: I should be president. Just remember my campaign slogan: “A Vote for Me, is a Vote for Me”
A man with a pleasing smile. Pleasing.