List: Said No One, Ever

I’m fulfilling my irony quota by saying things that have never been said while pointing out they’ve never been said. It’s a shame they’ve all been said now. What a worthless list.

I do not support cancer victims.

I don’t like pain pills

Me and Kony are best friends!

Babies and shake-weights are basically the same

Meth is fine if you just do it once

That homeless man smells fantastic

I fill my briefcase with urine, every single morning!

I like getting up early!

Having herpes is fun!

Tuesday is my favorite day

Yes, I’d love to drive you to the airport

Arms? Who needs them?

Caffeine keeps me up late!

I have below average intelligence

Rock Paper Scissors is a game that makes sense

That tornado was cool, but it needs more sharks

My favorite animal is the daffodil

Gay marriage? I have no opinion!

I would love to spend the day with middle-school children!

The pedophile look is in

Too short; didn’t read

I wish this bus/train/plane would take longer to get here!

Clowns are great!

Wow, it was exactly what time I thought it was!

I really enjoyed that colonoscopy

You have an impressive collection of STDs/stamps

This room would be better without any windows

Ugh, going on a vacation right now would be so annoying

Man, I just hate being relaxed

This tastes like crap, in a good way

Bleeding is how I express myself

That John Mayer song gets me so pumped!

I like my salads without croutons

Learning to ride a Velociraptor is not one of my life goals

Sincerely,

Professional Velociraptor rider.

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Missed Connections

Waitress at Applebees

I can’t forget your brown hair in that perfect ponytail, or your big brown eyes placed perfectly on your overworked face. You probably don’t remember me. I was the one who mispronounced burger. I accidently made it sound like Aye-luh-view. My mistake. But you can’t have forgotten how I gazed into your eyes for five minutes as you waited to take my order.

* * *

Girl in front of me in line at Starbucks

We never spoke. I don’t even know what you look like. But when I heard you make the daring decision of ordering a tall black coffee, I knew that you were the one for me. So bold. Sexy.Unfortunately by the time I finished explaining how to make a latte both iced and hot at the same time you had gone.

* * *

Sitting at Café

This was a long time ago. You were sitting outside of a small café, reading Faulkner. Near or on 4th street. It’s been years, but I know there was something there. Our eyes met, if just for a second, as I knocked your table over when the police tackled me.

* * *

Dark Alleyway

When I was mugging you that night, I simply couldn’t get over how beautiful you were. Long golden hair, pouty lips. If I wasn’t so nervous about being seen I would have asked for your number, alas I was in a hurry. Lets get dinner sometime.

* * *

Man at Target

You are truly the most beautiful man I have ever seen. I don’t want to come on too strong, but its true. Don’t worry, I’m not creepy. You were with someone at the time, but once you see these photos I took of you on my iPhone, in which I have photoshopped my face on to hers, you will see how cute of couple we are. Text me. Or whatever.

* * *

Man in Car

I was crossing the street, and you drove by. It was only a split seconded but I knew you were the one. I know you remember me. You have to! Our connection was so strong. Also, you ran that red light.

* * *

In Crowded Place

It was after the game when everyone was trying to leave and it was crowded. Gate 7. Section PP. I was in the midst of the crowd when I felt someone pressed up against me from behind. I didn’t get the chance to see your face, but I have to feel your body again. I was wearing the red cap.

Sincerely,

Sitting Behind You

Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta

META!

This is a meta blog post. Why is it meta? Because it is a blog post about a blog post. Specifically this blog post, by this I mean the one titled Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta Meta. It’s also a blog post not just about itself, but about writing a blog post, itself. This blog post is about writing itself. But it isn’t writing itself. I am. Writing it.

I am writing a blog post about writing a blog post, specifically the post I am writing, which is about writing itself, even though actually I am writing it. Except even though I am writing it in the present if you (the reader) are reading it in the future then I am writing in the past. In order for me to be in the past the future has to be the present, but the present is now which we’ve already decided is the past. So in the future you are reading in the present something I wrote in the past, which is the present. Because it is the present presently, although it’s the past. Of course everything I’ve written previous to this sentence is already in the past, so don’t worry about it. In fact this sentence is itself the present at the exact moment it is written which is now, this moment. But not the moment you read it, the moment I type it. From here on out it is the future. Is it nice there?

The lesson is that I am writing directly to you from the past to the future, although neither is past or future because they are both the present at the time they matter and therefore there is no past or future only the present at all times. Either that or get rid of the present. Apparently past present future is, or was will be have been a sham.

Which means that I have turned you into a time traveller. As the reader you are reading from my perspective, which is the present past, but you exist in the present present/ slash the future to my present past. You are experiencing a present that is a present in the past because it already happened by the time you are reading it, because you are reading it in the future which for you is the present. But for you through me you are in the future. To summarize, you have travelled to the past and future simultaneously, and found the present in both places.

Writing this post in the present past requires thinking, so I am presently thinking about writing a post that is about writing itself even though I am/ have written it. The act which I just committed, even though it technically exists in the future portion of this post, already occurred at the present in the past, means that this blog post is about writing a blog post which is this one which is about thinking about writing a blog post about writing itself, one of the topics in the blog post is thinking about writing a blog post about writing a blog post which is this one, the one about writing a blog post etc. It goes on forever.

An infinite loop cannot actually exist in a finite universe, yet the loop is infinite and has nothing to do with time and was written in the future present past so that it could be read in the future future present which will soon become the future future past. That last sentence’s having been read is there now. But only to you, future present man, not me, past present fiend. Regardless, this post cannot exist in the world, and therefore, does not.

Except you are reading it.

And I am definitely writing it.

So it must exist.

But it can’t.

Time travel paradox explained.

Considering that I am writing this sentence right now, and you are reading this sentence right now, yet you haven’t read this sentence yet even though you are reading it presently it is the future for the present is when I am writing it which is the past which is happening simultaneously to you reading it.

In conclusion, time is broken I think. Someone should fix that.

Sincerely,

If no one reads this most of my points are moot. In the present past future past.

Inner Dialogue of a Man Getting a Haircut

All right, getting my haircut. Hairs, I guess. Dammit Brian. Do I really need one? I mean, it’s not that bad, right? And it always looks so weird right after it’s cut. Like a monkey. It’s getting in my eyes. Why am I even putting this off? I’m not a child, I can get a haircut, it’s not a big deal. Ahh but it’s just so uncomfortable, and my neck gets so itchy, that blanket thing does absolutely nothing! I’m at the door. Why am I freaking out? I am a grown man dammit.

I can get a haircut.

* * *

Why is this place full of children??? Did I accidentally walk into a children’s hair parlor? Crap, all these parents are going to think I’m a pedophile, who has this thing for children’s hair and I like to put it in my underwear and- Um. Nevermind. Why am I even having thoughts like this? I think something is wrong with me.

There are contemporary music posters on the wall, and adults getting their haircut. I think I’m good. Also… I’ve been here before. Why the hell am I freaking out? Makes no sense, haha. So stupid. It’s still better than my last salon, which was full of old ladies. Although I did get a lot of phone numbers.

“What can I help you with, sir?”

Aw, lady, no you did not.

“I’d, um, like a haircut please”

Duh.

Great. Now I’m the guy who walked in to a barbershop and asked if I could get a haircut. What else was I going to ask for? What did I do to you cashier lady, huh? WHAT DID I DO???

Is that, is that what she thought my name was? I don’t think I mumbled that much, can she not spell? My name is pretty common. Yeah there is no way that word is getting pronounced in any way that even resembles my name a little bit.

A forty-five minute wait? Dammit, I’ve put it off too long to turn back now, I look very sheepdogy. Which some people can pull off. But my hair is just way too poofy. I get this like, coconut look, which is the opposite of appealing. Maybe I can get coffee while I wait? There’s a coffee shop right next door… but no, they might call me early and skip me, or worse I might have coffee in my hand while she’s trying to cut my hair and I will just look like an idiot. What if she’s cute? Can’t look like an idiot if she’s cute. I’ll just sit here I guess. Maybe read a magazine.

* * *

Hmm, all the stylists (stylists, can I call them that? I don’t know if this place is that fancy, but they are all young white girls so I can’t call them barbers, that doesn’t feel right. I’ll stick with stylists) They are all looking at me. Hmm. Maybe I am that attractive. I’ll wink. Mistake, they seem pretty impatient, actually. They are talking, but I don’t think those sounds are language… Ok they mean me right? There’s no one else waiting… definitely my turn.

I want it short on the sides and back, over the ears, longer on top, and I want it layered and thinned. I want it short on the sides and back, over the ears, longer on top, and I want it layered and thinned. I want it short on the sides and back, over the ears, longer on top, and I want it layered and thinned. Boom. I’ve got this down. I’m a haircut pro. I’m going to tell this stylist exactly what I want, and I will get the best haircut of my life. Boom.

“So what are we doing today?”

Oh. Um. Shit. What? What’s going on? Oh shitshitshitshitshit…. What am I supposed to say? Uhhh elephant? No that’s so stupid, I’m so stupid I might as well just put a bucket on my head and paint elephant on it and then grab wooden spoons- . PULL IT TOGETHER MAN. I have nothing, absolutely nothing. Holy crap I have to say something, this silence it getting weird.

I want it… shorter”

I am stupid.

“Haha, well you will have to be more specific than that. What kind of style are you going for?”

Oh you beautiful woman! Thank you, for giving me the chance to redeem myself! My love for you is everlasting, the universe will implode before the fire in my heart burns out! Your face is forever imprinted on my mind, and in crisp detail I will gaze upon your visage whenever I close my eyes, you lovely delicate being. I promise I will not let you down by being stupidly vague!

“Uh, just like a normal style?”

Crap.

* * *

This is the worst. She’s cutting my hair, I don’t know how it’s going to turn out, and she isn’t saying anything. It’s so weird! I feel like we should be talking, right? Other people are talking to their stylists, did I just get the one who doesn’t talk? Maybe she doesn’t like me, oh God, what did I do? Is there some kind of haircut code that I violated? A standard of conduct I eschewed? Maybe I can start a conversation, it’s not too late.

But what do I say?

There is absolutely no way I am pulling the naïve “How’s the haircut going?” so that’ s out. I know better. Ugh, personal questions are just way too… prying! It has to be small talk, I’m not trying to unearth her entire life story. I’m not the Gestapo. Did the Gestapo ask questions, or did they just kill people? Whatever, I’m not Lifetime trying to find the plot for my next made for TV movie. Much better metaphor. Why is this so difficult? It’s just talking, I talk to people all the time! The weather, can I talk about the weather? What am I going to say? The sun is shining? Horrible. She will probably cut me for that. Never upset a woman with scissors near my neck, my Father always says. I think it’s weird how much he says that. Good advice, yes, but I think he tells me at least once a week. Maybe there is something on her workstation that will help me strike up a conversation… hmm. That sticker is interesting. “Hail Satan, my lover and master” Ah. Um.

* * *

I forgot that this hair salon comes with a free “massage”. I have to accept but… yeah this is weird. She’s rubbing my back with that weird vibrating thing so disinterestedly. Like she is trying very hard to think about anything other than what she is doing. I don’t like it. Am I supposed to enjoy it? It feels sooo good, but I’ll look like a pervert if it looks like I’m enjoying it. I’ll be that guy. I don’t want to be that guy. The massage guy. I’m planning on coming back here. I’ll just sit here uncomfortably, probably? Yeah, that’s a good solution if I ever heard one.

* * *

All done! How’s it look?”

Oh God I look like a monkey.

“It’s great thank you!”

Oh God I look like a monkey.

“That’ll be 21.50”

Oh God I look like a monkey.

“Here you go, thank you very much!”

Oh God, I look like a monkey.

Good Advice: A Party Where You Only Know the Host

I know your first question, “Why not a party where you know nobody? Wouldn’t that be worse?” No. If you are the type of person who just walks in to a party that you see happening, you have no need for advice. You are already a sociopath, and any advice I could give would just be misconstrued in order to validate your desire to rub your crotch on strangers during normal conversation.

This article is for those of you who have been invited to a party by a friend, but once you arrive you realize you know none of the other guests. This type of situation can be tricky, fortunately, I am here to give you advice. I am writing this assuming you have found my article by Googling on your phone, while at said party. You’ve already taken the proper first step, spending time on your phone makes people think you are doing important things.

https://i2.wp.com/www.tahoebowl.com/photos/ist2_4055879-cocktail-party.jpg

Step 1: Find someone to talk to

This step is very tricky. As you are reading this you are probably looking around for the host who invited you. Don’t bother. Even if you find this person, they will not have time for you. At the moment they are overwhelmed with the daunting task of providing appropriate food and music, making sure their home is not destroyed, and trying to be social with all these people they’ve invited. Tonight they will learn the stupidity of hosting a large party. They are not your concern.

Look around you. You will see various targets. The most notable is the large group of people having a lively conversation. You cannot go talk to these people. They are talking about a single subject, at this point in such minute detail that by simply walking up you will not even understand what they are saying. As you are looking at this group you may see someone walk up and join in. Don’t be fooled. They are only successful because they actually know someone who is in this conversation. That is the only reason that anyone would take the time to catch them up on what has already been said, and therefore they can begin to contribute. You don’t know anyone. Don’t even bother.

Next you will notice small groups of people speaking to one another. Now, while they are not having the best party experience, they are still untouchable. These people all know each other, probably well. They don’t make new friends easily, and instead of trying, they simply talk to their established friends the entire night. If you were to try and join in their conversation at best they would ignore you, and more likely would threaten your family in order to get you to leave them alone.

You may be tempted to go hit on someone. Don’t do that. You have decided to look up social advice on your cell phone at a party. You do not have the charm required to pick someone up. Just don’t.

It is time to look to the walls, or the table with the snacks. Do you see someone standing alone? Of course you do. If this host is ignorant enough to invite one person who knows no one else, it is almost a sure bet they invited others. Stupid people tend to make the same mistake over and over again. It’s a thing. This is the person you should talk to.

Step 2: Introduce yourself.

The approach is tricky. You are attempting to talk to someone who is mildly pissed off that they are at a party where they don’t know anyone besides the host. Make sure you don’t accidentally approach someone who doesn’t even know the host. Is this person quietly giggling to themselves? Are they rubbing themselves on the furniture? If they are, you probably should not go talk to them. Obviously.

Now, you have to be careful not to piss them off further. Don’t walk up and ask them if they know the host. Of course they know the host. Are you stupid? You’re stupid. God, just, just go home. There is nothing for you here. Instead, ask them if they know anyone else. Literally anyone. Actually say the word anyone. When they spit the word know into the punch along with their chewing tobacco, you may think that you have angered them. You have, but their anger is not with you, but with the host. Feed that anger. Tell them how you also know no one. Tell them your name, but only your first, not your last. Join in their anger, and feed it.

Step 3: Conversation topics.

The person you are talking to hates small talk. That’s why they don’t have any friends. So don’t bring up the weather, or the traffic, or politics. It won’t work. Instead focus on what you know you have in common. An annoyance with the host for inviting you to a party where you know no one else. Now, you can’t talk about an annoyance for very long. You may think that means you should talk about other topics. You would be wrong. Instead your best strategy is to fuel that annoyance into a full on inferno of blistering hatred that fills both of you to bursting.

Step 4: Get Super Drunk.

This step should be self explanatory. Make sure your new friend is getting just as drunk. And I mean really drunk. When you throw up drink to get the taste out of your mouth drunk. It’s important that you do not remember this night’s events drunk.

Step 5: Make Plans.

At this point both of you should hate the host enough to plot murder. Very personal murder. Like with a knife, or strangling or something. But then you start to hate the other guests as well. Look at them, having a good time. Who do they think they are? They are rubbing their fun in your face. What assholes! They can’t just be happy keeping to themselves, they have to be so public with their speech and their laughter. How can people laugh so loudly? IT’S AN INHUMAN LAUGH.

The obvious plan at this point is to burn the house down. But you will need supplies.

Step 6: The Beer Run.

Wait until the party runs out of beer. This will happen. The host clearly has poor foresight, and this is an inevitability. Furthermore this gives you and your friend an excuse to leave and then come back.

Step 7: The Drive.

It’s important not to die while driving. Also it would be good not to kill anyone else. You don’t hate them. They’ve done nothing to you. Unlike the host. Who is EVIL. Unfortunately this is not an article in which I give advice about how to safely drive drunk. Sorry.

Step 8: Supplies

What do you need to commit deadly arson? Multiple lighters. Newspaper. Explosives are good. Kerosene. Gasoline. Lighter fluid. Thermite. These things are important. Also maybe gloves. While you’re here, pick up a nice summer scarf. They are very stylish. It’s important you don’t forget the beer, or else people might get suspicious.

Step 9: Starting the fire.

The best place to start the fire is the bedroom. I will explain. When you comeback with the beer, you will be a hero for a short time. People might actually want to talk to you. Don’t let it fool you. You still hate them, because they are the worst. However, it will make sneaking off difficult. Kiss your friend. Kiss them good. Make it obvious that you are going to have dirty dirty sex in the bedroom. Take the supplies.

Step 10: Start the fire.

Use everything. And start the fire. Only after you have dirty dirty sex. Mmmm.

Step 11: Mission Accomplished.

As you watch it burn, listen to the screams of the people you despise. Soak it in. Grasp the hand of your friend, so that you can enjoy this special moment together. You had fun didn’t you? You can put your phone away now, I’ve done all I can, stud.

Sincerely,

Best Advice in the World. Aww yeah.