My Excuse

Man, I have just been so busy with my crazy social life. Let me just say I have infinitely times more friends now than I did before. Laugh math minions!

Unrelated, I started a vlog that is also sarcastic. But in a way that only makes sense when spoken. I hope. It’s a little more autobiographical than this. Maybe you appreciate that. Maybe you don’t exist.

Also unrelated, I had a thought the other day.

We humans believe that we have surpassed natural selection. That’s not true. We keep getting taller because we find tall people sexy. There is an obvious facet of this, that has some serious ramifications.

People who want to have sex more, have more sex.

It’s all so clear! But that means we as a population are selecting for sexual desire.

So each generation is collectively hornier than they one before.

No wonder your grandfather finds you disgusting.

Sincerely,

Science.

Win By Drunk

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I must apologize for the lack of a post last week. It was my spring break and I was in no state for writing. The authorities require that I keep it vague, but lets just say that’s the last time I implant a priceless diamond behind my elbow. My shrapnel wounds will probably never heal.

Spring break is a staple of a college student‘s life. People look forward to it, strangely more than the 4 months off of school that comes so soon after. Spring Break is a time of great excitement , adventure, and sleeping on motel floors. Students love to defend their precious break by saying things like, “we need the break from classes”, “we’re tired”, “I’m tired of sobering up while sitting in class, what I really need is a week  of constant drinking.” No one is fooled. It’s clear that Spring Break is actually a contest to see how much damage we can do to our bodies in only one week.

The contest is illustrious, the prizes magnificent, and the stakes high. Success in the contest leads to lots of copulation, and failure results in life altering ridicule. Spring Break is the ultimate battle of manly fortitude, ballsyness, and douchebaggery. Mostly though, it’s how much crap can you possibly ingest in the shortest amount of time. There are various methods used by spring breakers to accomplish their goal, designed to attack every organ system.

Poor liver. Its always the first to go. That’s because beer is cheap enough to fill swimming pools with. So that’s what we do. This strategy is time-tested and effective. Did you know that drunk people aren’t good at swimming? Just ask those corpses floating in our beer pool. I guess it’s easy to confuse drinking and inhaling. A simple mistake that anyone might make.Inebriation itself leads to many of the next strategies on the list, making basically instant win juice.

The only thing nearly as easy to get as alcohol is pot. I guess you can also smoke cigarettes if you want, but that’s boring. Use these to decimate the lungs.  Cigars however, are a stupid choice. You will never win Spring Break by smoking a cigar. Because while they might make you look like a suave badass, they are simply far to healthy to be a valid winning strategy. It’s best to go for the cheapest tariest cigarette that you can find, and smoke three of those along with enough pot to make you so high that you can’t feel you feet. Heeheehee

Spring Break is and always has been full of sex. That’s because sex is a fantastic strategy for dominance, because genital damage is worth extra points. There are few more reliable ways to get and STD other than getting a tattoo done in prison. Or by just being in prison. The best thing is that STDs are stackable, and you can have herpes, syphilis, and  a small penis all at the same time. Major points.

Drugs are awesome. They don’t ruin your body at all. Not very useful, but you should take them anyway. All of them. Right now. So. Good.

Bones are fairly sturdy. In fact, they are pretty damn strong. It has posed as a problem for Spring Breakers since they decided to actually start trying to injure themselves. Fortunately, they have come up with a fool proof tactic. Jumping off of high things. Now, some Spring Breakers chicken out and try to jump into things like ponds full of rocks, but these guys will never win. It takes jumping onto something with gusto, such as concrete. Plus, you can put the video of you riding you bike off of the roof of a parking garage onto a 4 lane highway while playing the air guitar on the internet. “So cool” you will jot on a notepad, your respirator preventing you from speaking.

For the rest of the organs there are shady surgical operations. Spring Break is the perfect time for you to get those breast implants you’ve always wanted. Finally you will be able to feel breasts whenever you want to. Think of the fun you’ll have! Except you don’t have thousands of dollars to blow on plastic surgery. But wait! That vaguely Russian sounding man in the alleyway will give you the surgery for 10 bucks and a blow job; you provide your own anesthetic. If you were wondering exactly how you were going to puncture your gall bladder, now you have a dirty man rooting around in your insides! The perfect solution.

The real winners don’t stop there however, no, they take things to the next level and travel to a third world country. It is an environment that fosters winners, cheap beer, hookers, and cappuccinos, galore. There is a very good chance that these Spring Breakers will get beaten or shot, probably both considering how big of douchebags they tend to be. And if there is one thing that third world countries will not tolerate, it is food. Also douchebags.

Sincerely,

Staring into space, seeing underground.

A Handy Guide to Euphemisms

You guys are so lucky. I’ve decided to start a series that is specifically dedicated to euphemisms and innuendo, two of my favorite things. I’m also a fan of irony, an ironyphile, if you will.  Now, euphemisms can be difficult and tricky to understand, so this first part of the series is dedicated to understanding and recognizing them. In order to adequately explain euphemisms I’m going to begin with a common phrase, and then analyze why it is a euphemism. The one I have chosen is:

“Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

This euphemism does a fantastic job of showcasing all the necessary attributes of a euphemism without being too vague (for beginners). The first thing to notice is the symbolism. The key symbol here is “roll of quarters” and the descriptor is “happy to see me”. I will come back to descriptors but for now, the symbol. The question is, what does a roll of quarters represent? Well, it could represent a large amount of money, but that is unlikely, because it’s only ten dollars. (Psht. Ten bucks.) So what are the attributes of a roll of quarters? It’s wrapped in paper (sandwich?) it’s cylindrical, and it is firm. At this point, we need to apply the descriptor, and look for similarities. What has to do with being happy, as well as sharing the attributes of a roll of quarters in your pants? There are literally hundreds of things that fit that description, but this is where we apply another rule of euphemisms, they are always sexual. At this point we come up with the equation:

“roll of quarters” = “erect penis”

You can see now why a descriptor is necessary. It provides the necessary link between the actual object described, and what it symbolizes. Without the descriptor, “is that roll of quarters in you pocket” is an honest (if potentially awkward) question that does not imply and kind of sexual advance or attraction.

Now, this does very little to help one distinguish a euphemism from normal conversations. You wouldn’t want to misinterpret someone comment on large smooth cucumbers that seem like they could fit in small holes, and likewise you don’t want to ruin a possibly intimate moment by strangely commenting on how you prefer mango to kumquat this season. (That would make no sense you nit wit. Nothing beats mango.) As you can see, there is a lot of potential for confusion here. This is the trick, euphemisms don’t actually make sense. While a good euphemism isn’t impossible, it is simply too strange to be true. Take our example, yes, it is possible for someone to have a roll of quarters in his or her pocket (why is this being said about a girl?) but it’s extremely unlikely. For one, people just don’t carry change anymore. Everything is plastic. Besides, even if someone had the desire to carry around ten dollars of quarters (ridiculous in the first place) why would they keep it in the roll instead of unwrapping it?  Quarters are useless in a roll, not even good for a peep-show. And why the front pocket? Clearly, no one keeps rolls of quarters in their pocket, and that is how you know that this is a euphemism.

This should give you the basic groundwork to understand euphemisms! Great. You are all set. If you have a (real) euphemism that you would like analyzed, leave a comment. Perhaps I will gather them and make it a piece of the series.

Sincerely,

I would call myself a mad genius, but I’m not particularly upset.